Questions was the topic today.

I question myself a lot about time, the use of it, passing of it. I feel old. Two decades, baby. (almost)

I hear what my friends say & know their priorities. Rachel R. worries me sometimes, because she has no real priorities, no real goals. What's life worth living for if you don't do something? Bekah's priorities are people, but there is a real danger in tying yourself up with people. (I say this because I do it too, perhaps worse) Justin says I spend too much time worrying about people, what they think & say, especially because most of the people I know are narrow minded. This may be true.

"and when beauty asks a question, how often do you reply? how often do you wonder about life, on the other side, on the other side of sorrow, on the other side of pain, on the other side of alright, okay, and anyway..." ~ ani ~

Shifting questions worry me. Shifting answers (priorities) to the same questions worry me more.

Such is the story of history.

Tony hopes I get what I want out of college. The question here is, what do I really want out of college? Why am I in it? Passing easy answers are, to not be an economic slave forever, to not be poor in my old age. I had always resolved myself to being poor, because of growing up poor. I can't imagine having money, or what I'd do with it. College is a way to economic freedom. Or is it? I'm still going to have a job somewhere. I'll still be a fucking slave, selling my time. Just at way better rates than at Rocky's or Oakwood Villa or the Pool or the dump or lovely, lovely Kmart or Fazoli's or the hotel... so given I don't really care about the job (well I do care, I just don't look forward to it) college is also supposed to be life training. But my life training has always been best learned through books, people, & the occassional catastrophe. School sometimes being a causal for the catastrophe, but never a good explanation why. I especially hate english classes where one must analyze cause & effect. People should just know this stuff. I do. Did. yeah, sure....

Anyway, given the choices college is okay. I just find myself wanting joy. (question: how to find joy??)

Motavations & inspiration.

Speaking of Tony, and questions, he once asked, what would be better, college education or a lover or two? I'd say lover. With one important condition: that the love lasts. This is hard. Life goes on but affection doesn't. So I'd like a lover that will stay. Plus, college is something you can always go back to & attempt to finish. Relationships aren't. (then he said, given two lovers, what to do to decide which one? well, if they both really love you, then they can both really love each other or understand that you can love both of them. I'm not an idealist at all)

That's why Thomas rocks. He's always here, & no matter how miffed he gets, he'll still cry for me to take a nap with him.

Back to questions.

(Who? You. & me. What? Whatever needs to be done. Where? Here, everywhere. When? now. Why? Why not? How? However we can)

I've asked myself, what is real? Realized it doesn't really matter. What's real is what I accept to be real, which I will show through my actions.

I ask myself, what can I do? I have no idea.

I guess, after spending so much time in the realm of thought, I return to the real world. I am forever vaguely anxious about it, a slight glow on the horizon that I can't explain, impending doom. I credit it to the greed I see, pollution, cruelty. History of intolerance and bloodshed.

I feel the world needs to be changed. One of my favorite questions was posed by Derrick Jensen. "If the way we are living is not making us happy, why do we continue living this way?" He wrote an entire book of interviews on the subject. I won't even start.

Any physical change would first thought change. The memes of the our society are killing the world. Emotionally put, but true. Truer than any other truth. Truth that hurts. Answering questions ain't easy. Our memes are going to kill us. They will bring about the planets' destruction.

This is a hard truth to live with.

So I ask myself, how to start? how to *change the world*? how to care? how to get others to care? (wondering why most don't care) how to not get squashed by the powerful? how to be taken seriously? how to love? how to understand all the externalities? how to keep them internal? how to keep?

Lingering self doubt.

I think of Wendall Berry's words, "how does one become worthy to use what must be used?" I suppose this is my mission.  ¶ 11:21