New Year's Resolution:

this last shield
one last protection
it will go

New year's affirmation:
-coming soon-  ¶ 13:56 0 comments

  Back from the ski trip.

I have lost all trust in my sister. I feel horrible. But at some age, you just have to start behaving yourself. I won't lecture the peanut gallery....

Not too many of my predictions came true. Trouble is, I had never met Heather & James (Kim's kids) before, so I didn't count on them doing or not doing anything. Whateva. I have nothing, really, against drugs, or druggies, but it can't be the only thing in your life. Plus, if you know me, you know insulting either my cat or Ani will get you nowhere. "If I EVER meet that lady, I will smack her" -James, on Ani. From someone who listens to Eminem.

I have driven across the state too much. Wisconsin is big. I hate paying for gas.

I want to be an aunt. I'll have to marry into a big family, because ms. Rachel wouldn't make a good mother.

Happy to be back in EC. New Year's party tonight!!  ¶ 13:55 0 comments

  Somebody likes me!! This makes me so happy!  ¶ 23:39 0 comments

  unravel me... distant time... you are yours, you are myne... seek the light.

I absolutely love it when I get songs in my head but don't actually know the lyrics, so I make up my own.

Anyway, Steven & David & Jason showed up, as well as Rob the Knob, who isn't exactly related, but always seems to be there. I think he just wants to be an Edwards so badly. Weird, if you ask me. David & Steven are already battling it out, & it's only the first family fun night of many. Or three, or however many it takes for one of them to unforgivably insult the other.

I sympathize with David, though i agree with Steven, if that makes any sense. David is honest in his intentions, if a bit naive. Steven is certainly the smarter, but also too cynical and just plain rude. I like cynical people. As I've said, cynicism is a very natural response to our society. But it's no excuse to treat people caustically.

As my wall proclaims;
"just because you hate everything does not give you the right to make others feel hated"

After my brief bout of family fun time, Rachel (thank you, so so much, Rachel) called me in a state of panic. I've decided Rachel is always in a state of panic, though i am the first person she calls when she can't take any more Rindo family fun time. It's just that Rachel is prone to panicing. Anyway, everybody else who's second on the list to call when we just gotta (we just gotta) hang out turned out the be busy, so we headed down to Racy's. Justin & Sarah & co were bumming it up, so eventually Rachel convinced them to go do something.

The problem here is, of course, ms. Rachel had no better idea for something for us to do. I was perfectly content at Racy's. Bumming it up. Smelling like smoke. In the dark. I should hang out there more often, really. She just wanted something to happen. Well, that's just the thing, really. No matter where you go, or what you do, all you really do is talk to people, presumably your friends. So I guess I'm a pacifist when it comes to planning things. I'll have fun either way. (fun is a decision as much as happiness is a decision)

So we reconvened at Justin's exquisite house. By exquisite, I of course mean filthy. The word filthy has been amusing me all day. Some of my friends have called my house filthy. Oh really, they haven't seen nothin'. I don't mean Justin's is filthy, either, though it is closer to what I may call filthy. His is defiently past the "lived in" sort of mess. It's a mess. Let's blame Dave. Anyway, as i was cleaning my downstairs bathroom today, i marvelled that someone could call this filth. Anyone know Tim Patton? I'll come back to this. Houses really can't be called filthy unless they have burnt meat on the steps & peacocks in the attic.

Anyone who thinks a peacock is a glorious, beautiful creature has never actually lived with one.

So Rachel proclaimed the night in its entirety boring. Well, my mom may have somehow succeeded in turning me into a *lady*. One of the cardinal sins with her is to never, never say the B word. By B she means (shhhhhhhhhhh) boring.

My mother's other cardinal speech sin is easily remembered by this rule: "If it rhymes with truck, it better quack!" because suck & fuck are both horrendus swear words & the bible says to not worship the false god of luck. This, however, backfired, and i used to chant luck suck fuck luck suck fuck luck suck fuck luck suck fuck LUCK SUCK FUCK for hours on end when angry at my mother. Not an endearing thing for an eight year old to be humming.

Well, my mom did do one amazingly cool thing today. She found Ani on TV & called to make sure I was watching it! I was still with Rachel & Justin & Sarah, but I did catch the end of it. Yay! I love Ani.

Tomorrow begins my skiing with a bunch of angry Edwards trip, and one frail, unwarned Barbie. Oh dear.

I'll see most of you bouncy people at Nik's!! Yay!   ¶ 23:38 0 comments

 
What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
  ¶ 23:01 0 comments

  "Young girls hope all sort of foolish things, Sayuri. Hopes are like hait ornaments. Girls want to wear too many of them. When they become old women they look silly wearing even one." -Mameha, from Memoirs of a Geisha, by Arthur Golden.  ¶ 22:53 0 comments

  "suffer from inoperable zeugma" what a great phrase.  ¶ 17:18 0 comments

  Whoa. I didn't think anyone else out there had even heard of Catatonia....


Which rockin' frontwoman are you?
brought to you by Quizilla  ¶ 15:35 0 comments

  Well, ski trip tomorroww. The cast this year is:
-Dad
-Sister, Rachel
-Dad's girlfriend, Kim
-Kim's 3 kids, Heather & James & mystery boy who I haven't met yet
-Uncle Steven, yes, the real cool one who lived with us back in 4th & 5th grade & told me cliffs are not made to climb up, they are made for little girls to jump off of. He also didn't like my dolls, or my special blend of frosting. So, whatever. Just because he's never had a chance to redeem himself since... Anyway, he's going through a divorce, possibly. I like my aunt Chyrel immensely. She's very sweet, and from the Phillapines. I should visit her next year! I wish she was coming instead.
-Me
-Barbie
-Christina, maybe. I freaking lost her number! I suck.... I hope she calls me back.
-Uncle David, for a day at least. He's the cool one.
-Cousins? Jason for a day at least. He's the one who rocked when we were kids, but has killed himself with too many recreational drugs. Every time I see him he's made up a new persona, or at any rate, forgotten the last one. We'll see this time.
-Kim's sister. I don't know anything about her.

Predictions: Barbie & I avoid Rachel as much as possible. Steven & Dad get in an argument over the scientific implications of the old testament; David eats two bags of fritos. James decides Barbie is hot. Kim forces us all to listen to country. Barbie decides she couldn't possibly like anyone not at least 3 years older than her; James is sad. Jason runs into a tree on a snowmobile. Kim's kids snowboard it up; I read a book. We all go home. Two weeks later: Me: Damn! no skiing! Oh well, it was sooooooooooooo cold.

Hopefully I will not crash my car this year.  ¶ 00:46 0 comments

  Today I didn't wake up till 1:00. I never believed such a thing was possible. For myself, that is. Got my car in to be fixed, burned holes in my head gawking at the price. Damn. Not like I didn't spend three times that much at amazon.com yesterday... but it's the principle of the thing. I sincerely believe in mass transit. Just not the bus station. The unheated puke- scented bus station. And the fact that the DeLong route only runs every hour instead of half hour.

Anyway. I don't think I was going to talk about adventures in busing today....

I got to Border's, promptly finished spending my Christmas money. One good thing about my Dad's cycling girlfriends is that middle aged woman seem to think teenagers are hard to shop for & just get them gift certificates. Which is exactly what I want anyway. So easy. The bad thing about Dad's current girlfriend is she thinks that since I am a teenage girl, all I could possibly be thinking about is boys. (blah blah bla la la BOYS la la blah... what's osmosis?) She's even planning a blind date for me, since poor poor poor me, I have no boyfriend! How shall I survive? Every time I talk to her, which is rare, and mention a boy, which is also not too common, she gets excited. What's he like? Are you sure he's just a friend? (because I wouldn't know) bla bla bla.

I just taught my sister about cat eyebrows. She's playing Spiro.

I'm still frusterated with myself for screwing up my study abroad next year. I didn't even realize how excited I was about it. I mean, going to Japan isn't just something you can do any ol day. Well, you can. But to really get to know a place, you need to spend time there, get to know the people. I'm thinking I could still go next spring... which would mean another semester here. One thing that occured to me, though, is I could go there spring 2004 & fall 2004, and travel out east (I mean way out East) for the intervening summer. The phrase "21st birthday in Bangkok" popped into my head for some reason, and now I can't let the idea go.

I'm excited also about moving to Washington. Contradictions.... argh. But moving there would mean I'd have to wait so much much longer to do any sort of travelling or study abroad. I mean, I've already decided to save Prague for either graduate school (should such a thing be necassary) or family vacation (provided family), but I just gotta study abroad while an undergraduate. I mean, I just gotta. So going to Washington is out? Maybe I could move there after studying abroad. That's so many years away though. Who knows if the Commune will still be accepting new members or whatever by then. Who knows if the commune will still be intact by then. Wow, I hope so. But I do know that I cannot live in this house for another year.

Europe is accessible later on. To a small extent, so is South America. I can learn Spanish fluently in a month if I wanted to, assuming I haven't forgotten it all already. Asia though... when could I go? If not through school soon, when?

I've made Old Lady promises with Jenny to return to Guanajauto, and today Sarah Heart & I decided that we'll go there someday too. Sometimes my life goals are to become an educated bum, and sometimes I like Sarah's 'let's be hermits half the year & travel like mad crazy the other half of the year' idea best. Yeah! So much for practicality.

The thing about Washigton is I'm really excited to get my Wily Man project started. Jenny B. is First Mate, Sarah Heart Musician (months at sea? we'll need some good melodies) & Sarah C. Cook. Because God knows I can't cook. Of course, Jenny will have to learn to sail, too, and we'll need a deck hand or two. Still accepting applications.

Stupid red suitcases....

Twenty- first birthday in Bangkok.  ¶ 00:15 0 comments

  Happy Boxing Day!  ¶ 23:28 0 comments

  Yesterday i reread Someday Angeline, which was one of my favorite books as a kid. God, it was amazing! It's such a good book! Seriously, go be a kid & read it. It'll take like two hours. I'm going to go reread more kids books i liked. Seriously, all my philosophy somehow stems from that book, and i didn't even realize till yesterday.  ¶ 23:28 0 comments

  My dad should really not have gotten me a big luggage set. A big, red, five piece wonderful luggage set. Because now all I want to do is use my luggage.

Oh well. Do you know who likes the Indigo Girls?? Three guesses, the first two don't count.

"I heard you sing a rebel song/ sung it loud & all alone
We can't afford the things you save/ we can't afford the warranty
I see you walking in the glare/ down the county road we share
our southern blood/ my heresy/ damn that old confederacy

It took a long time/ to become/ the thing/ I am to you
and you won't/ tear it apart/ without a fight /without a heart

I'm sorry for what you have learned/ when you feel the tables turn
tor un so hard in your race/ now you find who set the pace
the landed aristocracy/ exploiting all your enmity
all your daddies fought in vain/ leave you with the mark of Cain

It took a long time/ to become/ the thing/ I am to you
and you won't/ tear it apart/ without a fight /without a heart

the center holds/ so they say/ it never held too well for me
i won't stop for the common ground/ that vilifies the trodden down
the center held the bonded slave/ for the sake of industry
the center held the bloody hand/ of the executioner man

It took a long time/ to become/ the thing/ I am to you
and you won't/ tear it apart/ without a fight /without a heart

It took a long time to become you become you"  ¶ 23:06 0 comments

  Is postponing the due dates of dreams equivalent to deleting them? Or just putting them on the shelf? Some of my dreams belong there anyway....
getting dusty.  ¶ 18:56 0 comments

  "I was downstairs in the greenroom, waiting for you to appear
I said hello to your family, I said hello to your friends, I said hello to this situation
that never yields

Now it's easy for me to tell you
that my love for you is sincere
I once stumbled on these feelings
I once stumbled on these words
something that you'll never stumble
on
dear

Oh you were so baroque
all of those words
just to tell me no
you were so soft spoken with all of those others who said you weren't broken
they just let you go

when you're three days down the highway
and you're looking
like I feel
it takes a lot
to keep it going
it takes a lot
to keep it real
take some time for your self and learn to
yield"

~Amy Ray, (The Indigo Girls)  ¶ 13:00 0 comments

  Merry Christmas, everybody!  ¶ 23:02 0 comments

  "I DO sound like the Little Mermaid on acid!" ~Tori Amos  ¶ 23:02 0 comments

  The other day I told my dad about my intentions to move to Washington (with Evan, Sam, Rebecca, Ian & Kirk) Obviously the only reason I would want to leave Wisconsin is for looooooooooooooooove. Daddy knows best!

Dad:"Is Ian a boyfriend type boy?"
Me: "No"
Dad: "is evan a boyfriend type boy?"
Me: "No"
Dad: "Is Sam a boyfriend type boy?"
Me: "No, dad!"
Dad: (eyebrows skeptically raised & finger pointed) "I think HE IS"

I already told Evan this & he said "Ah, it's always SAM the parents worry 'bout"  ¶ 22:34 0 comments

  "The rottener you are, the more people will like you. It's the TRUTH. That's why people around here don't like me -- I'm too DECENT and too HONEST." ~Max, a wheel collecter in Illinosis.  ¶ 21:43 0 comments

  Rachel: I like Sandy. She's my only adult friend. She's the kind of a friend who pays for my dinner. Eric bought Spiro. I discovered the thing is a rabbit. I thought it was a cat. He's good at it.  ¶ 21:08 0 comments

  Dad: Purple is the official color of the day. Oh, I figured it out! Two times... yes, six. So there's six on the inside & six on the outside, which is twelve, so you only have to switch it twice a year! Did you know I once worked in a cubicle? Three-forths walls, eight people talking at once-
Kim: I can see how that could be disadvantagous, ADD boy. You'd be like, "what was that? Oh, that's awful"
Dad: I hope you like your earrings. I mean necklace. It is from Africa. I've never been to Africa.  ¶ 21:06 0 comments

  I am back from the Children's Movie Fest. I am in one piece, and I don't think Blake stole anything of myne, which is quite unusual. He did, however, drop a fort on me after keeping me awake till 7 in the morning. Still the cause of all pain & suffering, he is. Other than that, it was very very fun. I like some of the River Falls people that I never got to know before. Evan's house was so trashed, though. I feel bad.

I can't wait till next year. Our apartment is going to be awesome.

Either God moved into my house, or my father learned to read shopping lists. The latter would be awesome, because God in my house would scare me. I should make a shirt. My dad is better than god.

I once said "cooler than god" to my mother (I slipped) & she was so pissed. God, she yelled at me for an hour. I said it to my dad, just to see what he would do, and now he says cooler than god & funkier than jesus ALL THE TIME. My parents have nothing in common except:

1. the phrase "you win some, you lose some, & some get rained out"
2. they like Garrison Keiler
3. they each have a ginormous yellow desk
3. they liked tacos

So mostly I think they should never have looked twice at each other. The past isn't myne to interpret.

Anyway, Thomas is happy I'm back.

I'm listening to Sarah MacLachlan's plenty over & over, becasue the debate of the day is is the solace version or the surfacing version better? Complete toss up at this point. I'll get back to you.

Lauren, you are awesome. "Maybe romance is dead, maybe it's not and i'm just not getting any. Someday I'll find out, and whoever's in charge will have a talking-to." I think who ever is in charge needs a good talking to anyway. Seriously. I pray to Gbzz up above, someone's gonna get it.
  ¶ 14:49 0 comments

  "Most people think that nothing but this weary reality of ours is possible" ~Nietzsche~

"Sonar no cuesta nada" (to dream costs nothing)  ¶ 12:19 0 comments

  Two cats, one lap, conflict ensues.  ¶ 18:04 0 comments

  So bored. Only the boring get bored. Only the bored are boring. Blah blah blah. My sister is driving me... bored.

So this one time, I made a decision. DAMN IT. I hate my family. I hate myself even more for hating them. There's something wrong with a person who can't love her own. Not that I'm going anywhere with this....

I'm at home, Saturday night, because my car is dead dead dead, across town to boot, and walking anywhere in the snow doesn't exactly whet my appatite. Appatite for love, baby. But tis alright, you know.

I like the Upright Citizen's Brigade. I also liked the Mary Tyler Moore Show. Thank you, Rachel. She's now talking about the Dinosaurs tv show... and fridges. You know it. 76 trombones? No really?

Now she is watching tv. That'll make her less bored. I'm talking long term, less bored.

My dad's girlfriend Kim is probably moving in. She has three kids, 18, 14, & 11, and I don't even know their names. I've only met one of them once. This does not make me happy, but it doesn't really bother me either. I'm so indifferent, this does not bode well. Because it means subconsciously I either hate Kim for taking up my daddy's time, or love her... for what, I don't know. That's why it's subconscious.

Greg is gone gone gone. (studying abroad in England next semester) I'm sad, though in all honesty I didn't really spend too much time with him. He's just one of those uniquely interesting people that I'll probably always wish I had gotten to know better. It may also be that I don't really have many friends on campus.

Children's movie fest tommorow! I'm so excited. I'll be so surrounded by people I won't know what to do with myself. (a gagillion people from river falls, ec, high school, I don't even know who all) The main excitement being namely building a big fort in Evan's "sitting room". & talking to Evan & Sam & Rebs about next year. I cannot wait. But I can, really. What I mean is that I'll miss EC forever & badly, but getting away will be good for me. Gonna live by the ocean, gonna learn to sail a yacht. Gonna go swimming every day. I'm gonna!
  ¶ 17:48 0 comments

  Barbie says I'm the sanest person she knows. It may be more accurate to say our insanities are the closest, and thus the easiest to understand.  ¶ 14:40 0 comments

  What is an FTP server??  ¶ 09:34 0 comments

  One day till my childhood, yo.  ¶ 09:27 0 comments

  I'm so done with school. You don't even know.

Yesterday I slept, slept slept late late late and never woke up. Untill that time I did, and then Sarah Heart drove me to work because my car doesn't work. It's crazy being driven around by someone two years my younger. Seems unnatural. I'm so old.

We went to the Matt Manzo concert, which was good (enough) times. He's good at what he does, which is to say I do like other music better. Dave his bassist is the hottest Dave I know. He's a good guy.

Sarah & I moved on to Putnam, to talk with Alex & then Tony & Greg & Jessica & for once, not Chris. The dorms are spooky with no one there. Too quiet, and not smelly. I'm going to miss the dynamic Alex's & Greg's room had this fall. Perfect. Ay de mi, como el tiempo pasa. We watched movies and played video games and read about lesbians and the famous, which is pretty much what normally happens. Damn! I forgot my CD. JE SHUS.

Time once was for disjointedness, but it seems so far gone now. Oh well. I'll just admit to being happy.  ¶ 09:26 0 comments

  Someday I will move to Bellingham. Because it has awesome stuff.   ¶ 10:02 0 comments

  I am decidedly in love with Lauren's writing, because she's such a cool girl. Dern, girl, we gotta hang out sometime! And I am very happy that Jenny thinks I understand. What I mean to say is, I'm happy she understands me.   ¶ 10:22 0 comments

  "This House is like Russia
With Eyes cold and grey
You got me moving in a circle
I dyed my hair Red today
I just want a little passion
To hold me in the dark
I know I've got some magic
buried Deep in my heart yeah
but my priest says
You ain't savin no souls
My father says
You ain't makin any money
My Doctor says
You just took it to the limit
And here I stand
With this sword in my hand
You can say it one more Time
What you Don't Like
Let me hear it one more time then
have a seat while I
take to the sky

My heart is Like the Ocean
it gets in the way so
Close to touching freedom
then I hear the guards call my Name
if you don't like me just a little
Why Do you hang around
there she goes again
wearing those purple panties
there she goes again
wearing her heart
there she goes again Why do you
take it"

~Tori Amos~

Well, just failed my physics test! Yay! I sung that song to myself the whole time. God.

But NOW I am Free, for an entire month.

Free free free free free free free!

  ¶ 10:09 0 comments

  Given the choice between two theories, believe the one which is funnier.

My car, for example. Do I have a bad alternater that will cost a bajillion dollars to fix, or did the Russians hire an senile demon to research the connection between waffles and your mom & he got bored & decided to cook said waffles on my engine instead? Oh, I'm not witty at all. Someone should come up with a better theory as to why my car sucks so bad. Because tommarrow Glen is going to attempt to fix it. This does not bode well.

We should have an exoricism.  ¶ 17:31 0 comments

  This week the romantic is winning every battle. This is very, very bad, says the skeptic, and the pragmatic, who we normally don't even let talk. Because you should really do your homework!

And to you, Sarah of my name of Ohio;
Humans rule. Dolphins can suckit.
God is just another story that we tell. (Not a very funny one either)  ¶ 09:07 0 comments

  I've grown lethargic in my old age. I should really go do something. Like my physics. I'm out of glue. I'm sick of this house.  ¶ 11:43 0 comments

  Today started out... crap. But you already knew that.

I can't go to Kansai, & I'm very, very angry at myself. But I am also very, very excited about *possibly* moving to Bellingham next year that I figure, oh well, at least the decision's made for me? Er, made by my inaction. Oh well.

I got my application & general info about WWU today in the mail, and I had myne daddy look at it. He's like, sure, great school, I can see why'd you like it, but eleven thou a year? Are you kidding? Out of state tuition would be the end of me. So yeah.... money money money. I don't even believe in money & it controls everything. Just like time.

Any- HOOT. I'm thinking I'll be all sneaky & do National Exchange there, and if I like it, ya'know, stay on.... This vunderful idea came from my mother, of all people. But I like it. It fits back into my *official plan* blah blah blah blah I should learn to take life more than a year a time maybe blah blah blah

ANY- HOOT.

Once in awhile life gets excellent.

I spent the day ruminating my future & gluing things together, then worrying about how I have no glue left, when my sister returned from her elite & challenging high school & proceeded to annoy me.

I called Rachel, Sarah, and Elyse, who I didn't even know was in town. All I could talk about was Should I go to Washington? Damn I'm stupid, I wanted to go Japan! Should I just transfer to Madison now? I don't really like Madison! blah blah blah. I feel a little bad, cause Rachel got the whole speal thrice, but it was a relief. Once in awhile, I need to talk.

Sarah & Rachel & Elyse are hilarious. Elyse was positively brimming with stories (& photos) of art school. Sarah is over her breif bout of mono or general body crapness, and Rachel was over her bout of antisocialism. We did the whole Baker's Square, Target, and onward to the dorms, followed by Racy's thing. Talk, talk, talk. Yay!

Sarah once did the world's worst karoke singer. She was Helen Keller. I wish with all my soul to have been there to see it.

Friday we are having our own private ball. Out to dinner, all dressed fancy-like, and go to Arby's. (anyone who is reading my blog & ya'know, actually knows me, is invited. Call me about the time)

I love being a teenage girl. Because all we can talk about is BOYS. bla ba bla bla ba ba BOYS ba ba la la BOYS bla bla bla ba ba BOYS ba ba la la BOYS bla bla bla et cetera... that is all we say. But it is very entertaining in it's own way.

On the subject of love:

I once had a theory, let's call it the triad theory of love. That is, that there are three ways of loving a person, and if you love them all three ways then you really love them.

Way
one: lust
two: like
three: love (sorry about the overlapping of terms, I didn't make up English)

Lust is physical, wanting a person, probably just for their body or the way they make you feel. In Spanish, it's "quierer"; to want. It's only a bad thing when it stands completely alone. It is essential to keep in long- term "real" relationships.

Like is appreciating the person for who they are. It's the love for friends, and family I suppose. It's conversation. It's the thought process of loving someone. It can be controlled. It's aggape love, and phillepe love too. It's the love you feel for animals, the natural world, creation in genearl. It's caring. It's easy to dole out, easy to recieve, but if you give a lot of it, you'll end up hurt if you don't get some back. It's the casual "te amo" in Spanish. I love a lot of people in this sense.

Love love is amore, between souls, and thus the rarest. Hard to control, more likely completely beyond control. Maybe auras whispering to each other? It's the strong "amar" in Spanish.

This is really, really old theory of myne & I'm not sure why I never completed it. Whatever. Too structered, I guess.

Justin says that to love someone, you must first be a whole person yourself. That's why so many people have crap relationships, becasue they "fall in love" before they know themselves.  ¶ 22:53 0 comments

  JE SHUS

"We're oompa-loompa doopity screwed." ~Jenny B.

Actually, SNL said it first. So now we're worrying about the Illiminati eating her in the night. O oo.
  ¶ 21:52 0 comments

  Question:
What is the one object that:
I needed in June, that I drove to St. Paul to artifically replace, that expires before I will ever have the money to use again? That my father fortuitiously found today?

MY PASSPORT.

(Innen dat great honey?? Now you don't have to worry! You're practically on the plane to Japan!!)

The perfect punchline to my weekend.  ¶ 21:28 0 comments

  In the last twenty four hours I have
-glued my thumb to my pinkie
-glued lots of bits of paper to a jar
-glued my hair to a box
-glued my scissors to a chair

None of which is as impressive as the time Thomas glued himself to a book, or that time in 7th grade when I glued my hand to a bridge made of balsa wood. We're not talking gluestick glue either, we're talking epoxy. I had to sand it off myself. Suffice it to say my OM team wasn't pleased with me.  ¶ 10:35 0 comments

  so close to touching freedom
then I hear the guards call my name
~Tori

Say the word & you'll be free
did you hear, the word is me
~the Beatles  ¶ 08:28 0 comments

  This didn't help as much as new Jesus jokes would...

What 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla  ¶ 22:33 0 comments

  I can't go to Japan next fall. I am so angry at myself I could cry.

Damn it.

I will probably cry. Damn it! Damn I'm stupid! All I can think is, Sarah, you are stupid. Ffreaking stupid as hell.

I suppose this means I am much more likely to move to Washington next year. WWU has excellent study abroad programs, you don't even know...
but not to Kansai.
Damn it.

So.

I could go there later, next spring semester.

I don't think I've evern sworn so much to myself. One for the record books.

I've decided to slowly adapt Welsh spelling. Ffavorable, no?

Damn.

You know it sucks when thinking about the silly Welsh language doesn't cheer me up.

God, my dad will not be pleased when he hears this. He was looking forward to me going to Japan more than I was. He's afraid he'll Die An Old Man & Never See Asia. (What better reason to go there than to visit your firstborn?)

I feel like typing more profanity.

God's crowbows.

Antiquated profanity doesn't always cut it.

Okay. More time in ye olde USA means more
1. time with thomas
2. time with my friends
3. money
4. uh.

This will take some time for me to understand.

I think I'll go listen to my Ani mix & think about all the Jesus jokes Blake's mom told me. Because if Jesus jokes don't jumpstart my redemption, nothing will. Jesus jokes are extra- extra- strength mood enhancers, no?

Someone should really tell me some new Jesus jokes. OR I WILL DIE. Because I'm not dying of being STUPID already. (i will probably never know how to say that in Japanese....)  ¶ 22:17 0 comments

  Yah!!

What Office Space character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
  ¶ 21:13 0 comments

  to see how long our swan song can last... (ani)  ¶ 22:06 0 comments

  Once, Tony & Sarah attempted to be the lesbian pioneers. O, how they failed. But it was a valient effort. They were hot in their own 'not lesbians' way.

(Even though Tony is the self-declared leader of the Eau Claire lesbians. Not that he actually knows any of them. Sarah said she would try to be a lesbian for me, if I tried to be a lesbian for her, but then we decided it probably wouldn't work out. Alas, some people are just born straight.)

So then yesterday Nik & Bekah were all, hey, we can be dirty gypsies too! O, how they failed. But they, too, put in a valient effort.

There must be only enough room in the world for two lesbian pioneers, and one dirty gypsy. I have such a heavy burden to carry.  ¶ 14:51 0 comments

  My email doesn't exist right now! Upgrading! GOD!  ¶ 14:28 0 comments

  *not that location is a sign of durability, only that it's a sign of enjoyablility.  ¶ 14:12 0 comments

  I don't like my computer at all.

I am very, very tired, not motivated at all. At all at all. Worked yesterday, worked today, work tommorrow... yeah, that's it, but it's enough.

Yesterday Sam, Bekah, Nik, Nate, Kirk & Meldahl came over & watched amor es perro (love's a bitch) which went very late into the night, (when I had to wake up too early in the morning) but was a very, very good movie (Sam is the master of good movies). I've lost so much of my Spanish speaking ability, it really disappoints me. Someday I'll just go & learn it all again.

I've pretty much decided to go to Washington next year with Sam, Evan, Rebs, and, as I just found out, Ian. I've wanted to move for so long, it's weird to have people I know going somewhere I want to go. Sam says it's going to be Eau Claire in WA, so many of us are going.

The thing is, everyone I've mentioned it to thinks it's a bad idea.

My mom, well obviously, thinks it's a bad idea. But she thought me finishing high school was a bad idea... so I don't generally trust her.

My dad thinks it's a bad idea. I think mostly because he'll miss me. I think he was more comfortable with the "official plan" of me studying abroad next year & then returning to Madison, which is not so far away, and being an engineer or something. Anything, as long as I'll still be around for camping trips.

Others... not such a great idea, Sarah. The Commune may not survive.

But how quickly we forget. It will be in Washington.  ¶ 14:11 0 comments

  Prick of a pin
no blood on me
come out screaming it's the only time we're free (MB)  ¶ 13:40 0 comments

  What's an FTP server and why do I have to log into it to make my archives work?  ¶ 13:36 0 comments

  I learned today that my mother’s father Milo has Alzheimer’s.

My father’s mother’s mother Myrtle had Alzheimer’s also, and I suspect my father’s mother, Joan, has it too. She is sixty- seven years old, and the only thing she has ever said to or about me is

“Sarah’s always liked milk. She’ll never get osteoporosis.”

True enough.

She says it quite often, though.

I’m frankly a little worried about Alzheimer’s rather than osteoporosis. My memory is more important to me than my bones.

I don’t know Milo too well, and as time goes on, I don’t think I will ever really get to know him. He was not a caring father to my mother, to hear her tell it anyway, and has washed her redemption as well as ours from his hands. If he remembered, anyway. I guess Christmas cards are all I really expect from grandparents. (Witnesses don’t celebrate Christmas; my mother has always taken these yearly reminders as an intentional insult; I can now believe Milo honestly forgot our ‘morals’)

The rest of my mother’s family alternately hates or pities us for not being Good Catholics. Or not being rich & living in Michigan & being accountants & collecting Lladros. Whichever is the greater sin.

My mother still cries sometimes about the loss of her brother & sister, who could never understand her, and didn’t seem to love her as children.

Children are harsh, and if my mom really did have the same sort of temperament as my sister, I can almost understand. Aunt Debbie #1 never struck me as a particularly understanding sort of girl. I've never been Catholic enough to enjoy the courtesy of her conversation, so I suppose I really don't know.

My mother’s mother died in 1974 of cancer, when my mother was 19 years old. Her sister was in college, her brother returning from the war, and her father flirting in the hospital wings with the woman who too quickly became her stepmother.

I think in many ways, my mother never got past that. She never forgave herself for disowning her mother’s faith, never forgave herself for her father’s actions, never forgave herself for not being the sort of person Debbie would love.

I am 19 years old, and in many ways more mature than my mother. I have the temperament of my father, and the visage of my mother; all taken I’m quite lucky to have the genes I’ve got. (Funny story! Once, my dad pointed this out to me, and said ‘what if it had been the other way around? Lookin’ like me & actin’ like your mother? Wait, you’d be Rachel!’ Then he laughed himself purple. Funny, funny, but not really very nice)

I don't think my mother can understand me as a person who's more mature than her, who looks for solutions to this world in places other than the Truth. I'll believe for a long time that there is truth out there, but not such exclusive Truth. I should really find a way to tell her that.

But anyway.

I’ve decided there still is hope for my sister. She likes my music, anyway. She was listening to an Ani mix I made tonight before sleeping.

“she’s nineteen going on thirty, or maybe she’s thirty already, it’s hard to keep up with time once it’s on it’s way”

Ah, ani. Ani, Ani, Ani.

So Ani suggested a book to me. (and the other thousand people in the audience; but that’s not the point.) The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver. At first, I was like, dear Ani, ya shoulda suggested a better book to me! Novels are very tedious. But it grew & grew & grew & suddenly that book summarized so many lives perfectly, as well as everything I’ll probably ever know about Africa. Wow wow wow.

“sunrise tantalize, evil eyes hypnotize”

“jesus is bangala!”

I’m such a sucker for Jesus jokes, you don’t even know.

I’m in love with Adah, and Leah a little, and somehow their sister Rachel reminded me of my own Rachel, but I don’t think our fate will turn out that way. I hope hope hope Rachel grows up. Someday, Angeline. If not, I hereby promise to love her anyway.

She’ll probably be as thoroughly unforgetting and emotional as my mother, and I truly don’t want another one of those to live with. If the Alzheimer’s doesn’t get her first, anyway.

Alzheimer’s. I mean, really, what a horrible disease! To really forget who you are, to see your children and not recognize them. (to see Rachel & call her Ralph, thanks, grandma, but golly, at least I had a good laugh then)

“How many lamps? One, two, three, four, five, five lamps!” I’m sure Myrtle gave me more that spoken in her Tennessee accent, but not that I can think of.

So, yeah. Um, dunno. Eto….

Today I saw myne old friend, Christina. She’s great, and she’s doing great. Better than I’d expect, anyway. Back in the day, I always thought she’d live a life of mysery, never quite measuring up to our unforgiving Jehovah, believing, but never having the dedication to be a Good Witness.

She surprises me, then. She has so many plans, goals, ambitions. She’s a little unsure how to do them, how to get started on anything, but I think she’ll be fine. She loves photography, mythology, the prospect of travel. I’m happy for her faith, which is to say I don’t see much of a vestige of one. Because I know so many ex- witnesses who can never come clean to any God, spending all their lives praying & feeling inadequate to be ever be heard.

O, but you know it’s the Truth, with a capital T. You’ve got that right, with a capital T.

I also realize how lucky I am. I have the most amazing father ever. I don’t think I tell him that enough.

I should work on that.

Then I went home & did some laundry, which is not an activity that makes me generally appreciate my father, but it’s easier than paying rent I suppose. I talked to Tony for awhile, which was very good. Because it always is. Then I finished my book.

Reading is a very greedy activity.

Oh, well. More on that later, don't worry sweetie.

I should give more A's for effort, & I'd have the spirit to if only some of my teachers did too.

I declare this day (& this week) a draw.

  ¶ 22:31 0 comments

  god loves his children  ¶ 15:33 0 comments

  I love books that make me fell young, or hopeful, or happy, or ... something... when I read them.

I'm reading the Poisonwood Bible, and the despair & regret & explanations thereof are almost too much. I need a break from the book, and Tina & I were going to go to Acoustic, but she's nowhere to be found. That is Tina's way. She's probably not the best to satisfy a meloncholy mood anyway. Being the most devoutly meloncholy person I have ever known. Rightly so, I suppose. I am the lucky one we know.

I'm thinking of rereading Kite Strings of the Southern Cross, because it would make me very happy. I'm having a relapse in ms. Gough's thinking styles, or something. Except for the fact I lost my mynd last time I read it.

Details, details.

I don't really have any good happy happy books. Hmmm. I'll figure something out, but for now I'm just going to play housewife because my father is incapable of doing his own laundry. Don't even mention my sister. I just know I'd be a horrid mother.  ¶ 15:29 0 comments

  Well, I give up. My template's just gonna suck for awhile.

This is what should be somewhere in the sidebar:

tightly bound
unfortunate
passion

one chance

seven doves
are
waiting
for me
up ahead

love the
cat

You know I'm only
five foot two
and i'm
giggly/wiggly

a
privledged
person;
free to
learn &
explore

battles of
romantic
vs.
skeptic

sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?

email me:
armelleumay
@care2.com

  ¶ 13:06 0 comments

  "It hurts to care in the world today," warns Hill. "To love means to walk around with an open heart," but that is what needs to happen, Hill said. "We must choose to live in loving joyous service to the world because what else would you want to do with your life?"
  ¶ 13:00 0 comments

  "Words & Guitar
I want it
Way way too loud
I've got it

Can't take this away from me, music is the only thing..."

I've got Sleater-Kinney in my head, and for that I thank Mary.

"I dream of quiet songs"  ¶ 07:50 0 comments

  Oh mae, wanna get married? Run away...
(bekah started it)  ¶ 07:49 0 comments

  I'm having a lot of fun with everybody else's blogs. Blake's barely counts as one, though. I think maybe you need at least two full sentances to say "I have blogged"

Jenny's today gave me the wanderlust hardcore. I think someday we should talk about something other than Mexico. I know there is nothing cooler than Mexico to be talking about, but I'm doing my best to be an upright American citizen. What I mean by that is not stealing all my daddy's money & running south as fast as my microvan can go. Because some days I really want to do that, and I know where Winona is. (To pick up my fellow travellor wannabe.) And I know all the best truckstops on our way south, and though one thing I never hope to do is drive in Guanajauto, it would make a good story to say, yes, it was I, that silly foreigner who went down a one way tunnel the wrong way. I'm not fluent in Spanish.

Though I can't say I miss the people from the trip itself as much as she does. I miss Sara, and the Barnes in general, if only because I miss getting orange juice in the morning and talking to someone's mother who was fairly normal. It's weird how much time I've spent with them, and how I haven't seen any of them since August, at least.

& Mary should update hers. ybab daed, dead baby, every day, yad lla!  ¶ 19:40 0 comments

  Nothing can ever again dissappoint me as much as my sister did this day.  ¶ 19:25 0 comments

  I'm thinking that if some of my witness friends can forgive me for who I am, some of my witness family should be able to do the same. But then again, the ability to forgive depends on how much it mattered to you in the first place.  ¶ 19:24 0 comments

  Work was alright today. It didn't feel so strange to be on the wrong side of the counter at nine o'clock.

I don't think my grades will be high enough this semester to go to Japan. I'm disappointed, but it's my own dumb fault.

I am, however, thinking of transfering to Western, in Bellingham, Washington. The school is awesome. There's Huxley College of Environmental Studies, and I am really liking this. I'm thinking more & more that I want to study the environment, attempt to do something to protect it. I was very dissappointed when I realized neither UWEC or Madison has a real environmental studies program.

So then I'm just browsing the WWU website, and I come across the Viking Union, and this page about the rec center. No big deal, ay? How quickly we forget! The school is so close to so much water! They have sailing lessons! I'm sold.  ¶ 22:10 0 comments

  I am so awake right now, so at ease, I have my Japanese homework done, and most of my photo project done.   ¶ 11:51 0 comments

  "you will feel a little crazy but for me, I'm famous on TV"  ¶ 07:39 0 comments

  ILikeJuce (nate): in my head you pronounce your "t's hard core like you do in real life.

This makes me very happy, because a lot of the time when I'm writing on my wee little blog here, I realize that it doesn't really make sense if you don't know how i talk. The sarcasm especially would be impossible to pick up.  ¶ 21:27 0 comments

  I am very tired, I don't like being awake. Dreaming about life is much more enjoyable then planning life.

I just made an Old Lady Promise with Jenny B. to return to Mexico someday. I'm very happy. She's in Winona right now, but will be back in EC next year. Someday we'll go to Guanajauto & rock out.

I really wish I knew where I'll be next year.

  ¶ 21:03 0 comments

  "bad dreams like this roll in like a cold front
thunderous thunder and lightning in tow
and your tiny little life gets even smaller
as you heed the heavens' mighty show
and i don't mean heaven like godlike
cuz the animal i am knows very well
that nature is our teacher and our mother
and god is just another
story that we tell"

another good ani quote  ¶ 12:30 0 comments

  Flattered, to be sure.

"You know, taken out of context, I must seem so strange" ~Ani~

That's about my favorite Ani quote. Go ahead, ponder it.  ¶ 11:57 0 comments

  Mary knows it's cold out when her snot freezes.

It is even colder than that today, so cold my eyes water and the air is so still I can hear construction workers a block away whistling.

This is the last regular week this semester, and I have an incredible amount of work to do, but I'm not feeling it at all. All I really want to do is hang out with Sam or Greg or other people I won't see next semester, but I'll probably just sit in my room with Thomas instead. And probably not do my physics anyway.

The next three pets I have will be named Alejandra, Govinda, and Grr, because I have the Doom Song in my head. Alejandra will be an alley cat (alie for short, absolutely no relation to Allie) , Govvy a terribly loyal but intelligent & well meaning dog, and Grr can be any species as long as it's an especially silly speciman. Maybe a bird, and I'll teach it the doom song.   ¶ 09:03 0 comments

  I saw the sun the first time today reflected off a dirty juice cup, and at that moment hated my job. My arms were sticky with dried grape juice birthmarks, the radio was playing a Christmas song, and Leona the confused cried to be taken home. "won't someone help me? I need somebody to help me...." and so on. I almost told her I understood exactly what she meant. She would have asked me who I was, and where her baby was.

Nursing homes are great.

It was twitchy cold this morning, but my car started anyway.

I have less than two hours till I have to go to Rocky's. Pizza places are better than nursing homes, but it's still time.

The sun will go down today while I ask someone if they'd like any drinks with that. Or while I'm folding boxes, or maybe just trying to look busy.

Quite a fulfilling day.

My sister is playing Gran Turismo, and a minivan is beating her. I don't think she quite has the flare for it.

I should do my physics.  ¶ 13:15 0 comments

  Happiness is a decision.

I've decided this, and even if it's silly or a lie I'm giving to myself, I'll make it true. I hear Barbara's voice (though I'm not sure how this is possible; I've never actually heard it) , everyone can make up their own myths, but they can't always live them.

I will be so strong, I will live my own myth.

My bedroom walls are candy striped, thank you Sara B., my love; castled, sunned, thank you me; purple & blue, thank you me again, yes I know I am lovely. They are collaged, covered with the paintings and drawings and photos of my friends. And maps, and the Beatles and Ani, and my favorite photo ever, this shattered glass in front of a wine glass, it's truly beautiful, and a little ripped, but that's because it travelled over an ocean to get to my wall.

But the point is that on the striped wall, one day I got sick of all the colour, and one day I got sick of all my friend's eyes smiling from the photos, so I took down all the photos, and put up black paper over the rainbows. Then black fabric, just because I had it. Then words, because I hide in them, even if they are true. Or not.

On the black paper, I wrote very small,

one chance
(i find myself wanting joy...)

much much later, i put some of my collages on top of the paper, and put my friend's photos back up. But the wall is not so festive these days as it once was.

So why want joy? Why not just pretend to have it? The people I know who profess happy are just pretending anyway.

I meant to come on here & write a normal blog entry, all "so I went to the mall the other day, because my sister is a shopping ho, and saw Tony & Danny (not together) & it was alright. I miss Danny. He was my first secular friend, and is a truly funny guy. I think he works too much these days, but I don't really know. Then I went home, failed at doing my physics homework, then went to school, then rocked out, then slept some more." I'm not so good at this. Life is not so much tangible these days.

"man nostalgic for four years ago" yay for the onion.

"sunrise tantalize, evil eyes hypnotize" yay for the poisonwood bible.

"this means everlasting life, their taking in knowlege of you, and the one whom you sent forth" yay for the "real" bible.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? READING THE BIBLE??" yay for my father, who truly would rather have a pot smokin' daughter than a christian daughter.

(those are the phrases in my mynd right now. we should all cast a vote for the coolest. email me, armelleumay@care2.com)

  ¶ 17:17 0 comments

  I may never trust myself enough to tell you, and you may never know me well enough to see through me.  ¶ 09:21 0 comments

  It is very late, but I am feeling much, much better.

I have Sable on me now, and I am beginning to really love her too. It's hard, because Thomas takes so much, when you get right down to it he's posessive of me. But Sable is starting to show some initiative, and she's seeking a reward. It's okay, she's only skittish now when something actually frightening happens. She'll reap her rewards.

But enough about the cats.

Besides my kitty, I have drinken large quantities of apple juice, and talked to Evan for a long time. As well as reading some not-meloncholy-normal things, centering my mynd.

The first thing I will describe in the new me is faith.

(this is a story for another day, the cats are tired)  ¶ 03:29 0 comments

  The mysterious merilyn will now prophesy....

To condense the next post, the skeptic won the battle of the day. Not only that, she sought revenge on the romantic.

So only read it if you care.

Ask me to sing in a month.  ¶ 01:24 0 comments

  how does it feel to be you?

you that is loved, beautiful, mourned. To be me feels weak, a liar, hidden behind silence she cannot control.

My selves have begun to hate me, and today Allie said, do or die. Do! I say, but she knows I don't mean it, and even if I did mean it I'd have to do it myself. Instead I murdered her myself, let her blood seep out my wrists, and don't know how to go back.

Because Allie is the self I was half my life ago, when I chose my path, and it was straight, narrow, expected to be smooth. So Allie is (was) somewhat of a fool, but never a hypocrite. She was my humour, wit, grace, kindness, affection. She loved everybody, but had no concept of what duty means, faithfulness, intelligence, or thrist. She ran to the goods, cryed for the unborn.

I regret her existence almost as much as I regret her death.

The others are cowering in the corners of my mynd, trying to pretend that they don't believe I've finally let the demons take over. They're right, but they will never say that to me. They miss Allie so much, she was the beautiful one around here.

I'm humming a sickening mixture of Jewel, Ani, Radiohead, and Sarah M. to myself. The singers inside dread the voice coming out, but it is really the best they're going to get this lifetime.

So greedy, you cannot see. Sarah? Screaming stop, screaming stop, greed leads away from what she would have wanted.

Good Thing She's Dead, She Will Never Criticize Me Again.

Not that she ever did.... Sarah is the hypocrite, the ridiculer, the one who pointed her fingers. So what if there was a demon in there? Allie & Kira & Rence & all the others hid him as best they could, and they knew what they were doing. Sarah, you only saw him when you wanted to. It could not have been her fault. Save yourself.

This is my song, but barely my words

(go ahead, ask me if I care, I've got the answer here, I wrote it down somewhere, from a great height, from a great height, how can I? how will I? e'er live with out you -pause- in the end, only kindness matters, god's hands, god's god, god .... -pause- my body aches to breath your breathe, your words keep me alive
he sends me little pieces of paper
i don't ask
i just wait
i just live, phone number to phone number
brushing them against my thighs
wishing I could
cry more and
care less
it's not fate, it's just circumstance, i don't fool myself with romance)

I don't fool myself.

Ha! There's no one else left to fool, after murdering your own. Fool, fool, you're the only one who'll ever believe.

Today I saw 5 police cars on the road, including one I passed, and one pulling someone else over. I found Glen's Holiday, but Glen was not there, but two cop cars were. I almost expected another drug bust by the time I drove past the Meridian Apartments, but apparently God thought 7 police in one day was as many as I could take.

Heard hope in the clickings of a drain pipe; thought they were your footsteps.

Or Alex's, he asked me if it had been a good day. Yes, I answered. Because that's what one wants to hear, and me saying, oh I killed Allie today, I didn't really want to, but she's better than I will ever be again, well, that kinda hurts, well, Alex wouldn't understand. Allie is the only one who would.

Good thing.

These days I don't really know the difference between good and bad anyway. Good is a backseat backbeat overblown virtue that means so little.

The greatest virtue is honesty. How can I be honest when I divide my truths up, stow them in pretty woven baskets? I don't label them, forget where they are, run in circles to find them.

I need more shelves.

I need a scribe.

Actually, one thing I am good at is being a scribe. I can read, write, and not think about what I'm reading. Damn. Wanna go back, wanna go back.

Rings around my ears, around your eyes, your beauty reflected in the only one I know yet more beautiful.

Good.

I like it that way.

I'll create a new me, construct a self I want, live in it for another half a lifetime.

Good.

Good.

It's what I want to live, but with losing Allie, I feel I have lost the abiltiy. Cry me a river of blood, well, I am. My arms won't stop, she was large, the blood needed to shed her may be more than I have. I'm poisoning the land I stand on.

I'm sick with my weakness, manufacturing another drama.

Allie is in her heaven, shouting down to me, glee all too apparent. "do you choose life or the symbol of life?" she asks, but it is a tired question, and not really myne to answer. I could shout back, "that's not the one I will answer" but she doesn't care, it's her eternal question now. And she wants the answer God would agree with.

God has it written, do not consume blood, for it is holy, the very symbol of life.

How many lives have been taken to prove the sanctity of life?

I would choose life.

Shed a tear or two, drove to Chippewa for no reason, past some friend's houses, noticed Elyse's garage door was open, and someone was up, curious at this time of day, drove and drove, whined, composed in my head, forgot my lines. Ran home to my cat.

But as for my part,
I have learned,

I cannot love and not attempt to own.

(and then god died)  ¶ 01:23 0 comments

  "yeah, you came, and you conquered, and you were doing alright. but I wonder, now that you're a big star, do you miss the earth? do you, do you miss the earth?
everyone is a fucking napoleon
and you had an army of six behind you, would you rather they were willing? I say, I used to make a pretty good living, but you must make a killing
a killing
because everyone is a fucking napoleon"

~ani~  ¶ 08:53 0 comments

  I mauled one of my friends with a scissors today. It was an accident, and he forgave me, but still... grow up Sarah.   ¶ 23:21 0 comments

  I wish Justin was a prophet. The truth is beautiful reflected through him.  ¶ 14:03 0 comments

  And then I learned* the truth about you

(intense, safe, forever(=?) valid, tangible, true)

Which will never be as horrible as the truth about me

*by learned I mean finally realized what has always been there for the taking.  ¶ 06:53 0 comments

  Elyse is awesome! (and I quote) "...they're like family in a fortunately not-have-to-worry-about-incest-sort-of-way."  ¶ 06:51 0 comments

  greenjellofly (Michelle) :you could be a philosopher! You're nuts!
Hola2Sarah (me) : thanks   ¶ 10:31 0 comments

  Il s'appelle Jésus et est stapled à deux morsels de bois.

(He call hisself Jesus and is stapled to two morsels of lumber)  ¶ 10:03 0 comments

  I finished reading a book (Lilith's Brood, by Octavia Butler) Greg gave me the other day, and though through most of the book I didn't like it, the ending was oddly satisfying. The premise of the book is humans are fundamentally flawed & they kill themselves in nuclear war. (I'd rather be Dead than Red... does anyone remember that?) But yee-ha! Some friendly, gene-trading aliens resucue us from certain oblivion, and the only price is we can't reproduce without them anymore.

I hated that. I honestly can't accept humanity as flawed, despite all the evidence au contrare. I mean, yup, in the last few generations we've degraded the earth beyond recognition, but hey, we can still save ourselves, yes? I hope so.

"Of course I have hope. Why not, it's cheap and available. It is also the last resort" ~Paul Shepard~

I will always have hope. It is my middle name after all.

Back to the book... whence I got past the reasoning for the oankali being there, I really started to like them. The social relationships they're "genetically programmed' for are so different, but they seem like they'd really work. (Even the Bible says a three-corded knot is stronger than a two-corded knot. What about a five-corded knot??) I'm thinking this is partially why Greg likes the book so much, declared polygamist that he is & all. It was fairly enough written, good scifi/psychology. Which I'd dare to say is Greg's thing.

I really really like reading books my friends have read & liked. At least for me, my books shape what I think, especially way back in the day when the only people I ever talked to were authors. Authors of horrible preteen series, but something to do nonetheless. Plus youse guys tend to know of good books.

I especially liked Me Talk Pretty One Day, one of Bekah's favorite books. I don't think it's anything I'd pick up on my own, but the phrase "he call hisself Jesus and is .... stapled..... to two morsels of lumber" pops into my head sometimes & I just can't stop giggling. I want to learn French someday so bad just to say that authentically.  ¶ 10:00 0 comments

  "How we see God literally shapes and limits what we can become.

Our models of God are ultimately our models of what is sacred. And what is sacred tells us our most important values--what we're supposed to work for, not compromise, take a stand for...

If you see God as something outside the world, the world becomes subtly and not-so-subtly devalued. But if you see God--or Goddess, or whatever you want to call it--as embodied in human beings, in trees, in plants, in rocks, in animals--in the living world itself--then all those things, and particularly the interconnections between them, have a kind of deep intensive value...

When we talk about God we're not talking about an abstraction" ~Starhawk~ (from her interview with DJ)  ¶ 09:40 0 comments

  I don't know about the Dire Chicken. All I can say is someone is cooler than me, and has a lot of time on their hands.  ¶ 22:26 0 comments

  In theory, your career should be your hobby also, becasue most likely you will never get sick of your hobbies.

Shumiwa nan des ka?

My hobbies are:

1)Cuddling Thomas
2)Cutting up magazines
3)Sleeping
4)Talking
5)Reading

Unfortunately, I don't feel any of these readily transfers into a career. I don't want to be a vet, because I don't really want to be in the medical field at all. I don't want to be a graphic artist, because I don't really like art classes, I like sitting in my room & listening to Ani or Tori or random Oceania soundtracks, and whining at my cat. Now that I think about it, all my hobbies relate back to that fat tabby. Sleeping? I'd love to be mattress tester, but positions are scarce these days. Talking? That could really be any job, but none specifically. Reading? I think English majors are a tad bit silly, but I'd really like to be one just to get credit for analyzing Balzac. Because that's what I do. But then I think about the Froele days, and hope to GOD to never analyze anything again. Because Tom Sawyer really was a good book in 4th grade.  ¶ 22:24 0 comments

  Well, vivus nocte sucks. I was telling her a story on aim & she left. So here's the story for her one day when she returns.

I missed Elyse. So I wanted to go to Acoustic. So I call Sarah Heart & my wee lil sister & make the grand voyage. We were gonna have a write in our books party, and rachel was going to draw ferrets. But we got there, and I swear I knew half the people there, and they all had some reason to talk to me. ARGH. So it took awhile to get our party started & I still missed Elyse, and then my sister's ferrets started to look more like dolphins & I was very afraid.

The point of this story is sometimes you really can have too many friends, and sometimes a ferret is really an ocean frolicking mammel.   ¶ 21:55 0 comments

  What do I want for Christmas? Funny you should ask! I want a years supply of gluesticks, a functional watch, and some sweet lovin'.  ¶ 21:46 0 comments

  Today I talked to Joe for almost two hours. Very interesting. Joe is great, but he's one of those people who makes judgements without always knowing the person. I do that too, but I tend to make positive judgements untill people completely prove otherwise.

Now I work. For forever. Rocky's is chaos on Tuesdays, but chaos is my friend.  ¶ 13:57 0 comments

  Communes are NOT lame.   ¶ 16:15 0 comments

  I'm at Nate's now. Fun fun fun! Nate wants to go to Michael's, Nik wants to lay on the floor & play with the fake gun.

I should do my homework.

JE SHUZ Ben is crazy.

No, you are not allowed to point a gun in his face if you want to. Flip out!  ¶ 16:04 0 comments

  I must create for myself proof; I am sorry to give you such an excuse.  ¶ 19:37 0 comments

  "yes, it is best to spring with all our strength toward happiness; to be drawn to the life of love, as a plant to the light; best to have known unhappiness to know also how to conquer the torture of these inward deliberations, in which reason proves to us in a thousand ways the inefficacy of wishes hidden in the depths of the heart, while hope persuades us to dare all"

yes, Balzac is awesome.   ¶ 19:35 0 comments

  I have a French word in my head, but I don't know how to freaking spell anything in French to be able to look it up.  ¶ 00:08 0 comments