Accountable Infinity However (Letters to Myself)
26 nov 2007
Last Wednesday we played trivial pursuit. The last, decisive question went something like this:
Heidi: *fumbles with card* "What Canadian warbler, in 1997, started--"
Me: "SARAH MCLAUGHLAN!! OMG LILITH FAIRE!"
Heidi: "Lilith Faire...."
So yeah, go team SCIENCE! ¶ 21:28 0 comments
Heidi: *fumbles with card* "What Canadian warbler, in 1997, started--"
Me: "SARAH MCLAUGHLAN!! OMG LILITH FAIRE!"
Heidi: "Lilith Faire...."
So yeah, go team SCIENCE! ¶ 21:28 0 comments
25 nov 2007
jet pack... operation
That's gotta be the funniest thing i've ever seen... maybe i shouldn't stay up till 4. ¶ 02:16 0 comments
That's gotta be the funniest thing i've ever seen... maybe i shouldn't stay up till 4. ¶ 02:16 0 comments
21 nov 2007
20 nov 2007
thanks, internet. i had almost forgotten i was a failure for like, five minutes there
Yeah, Robin found me an Americorps job that would be awesome except for the fact i'm not even eligible for it. Americorps. Regression! It's weird, i used to spend hours every day searching for jobs, writing cover letters, applying, and now the simple act of searching one site twice makes me sick to my stomach. It's also weird that i totally forgot i had ever applied to Americorps before, but i totally typed my standard job-username in, and it existed. Funny.
And the deal-i-o with mom's knee is really stressing me out. Like, a lot.
i don't even know where to start on that, except that when she was practically hallucinating from pain meds yesterday she kept repeating that she'll never dance again, never bike again, never run again, over and over, and then i talked to her doctor on the phone, and he made it sound like not a big deal for a 51 year old to have this surgery. Yeah, maybe if she had health insurance it wouldn't be a big deal. Thanks, Sam's Club.
In good news, i'll have health insurance as of January 1st... but not dental, and guess who's finally getting her wisdom teeth? My bad.
kitten slapping balloon... ha. ¶ 23:04 0 comments
Yeah, Robin found me an Americorps job that would be awesome except for the fact i'm not even eligible for it. Americorps. Regression! It's weird, i used to spend hours every day searching for jobs, writing cover letters, applying, and now the simple act of searching one site twice makes me sick to my stomach. It's also weird that i totally forgot i had ever applied to Americorps before, but i totally typed my standard job-username in, and it existed. Funny.
And the deal-i-o with mom's knee is really stressing me out. Like, a lot.
i don't even know where to start on that, except that when she was practically hallucinating from pain meds yesterday she kept repeating that she'll never dance again, never bike again, never run again, over and over, and then i talked to her doctor on the phone, and he made it sound like not a big deal for a 51 year old to have this surgery. Yeah, maybe if she had health insurance it wouldn't be a big deal. Thanks, Sam's Club.
In good news, i'll have health insurance as of January 1st... but not dental, and guess who's finally getting her wisdom teeth? My bad.
kitten slapping balloon... ha. ¶ 23:04 0 comments
19 nov 2007
'i feel i must interject here--'
There are, unsurprisingly enough, a lot of different sorts of people in the world, with a lot of different ideas of fun, morality, maturity, et cetera. EC, for the most part, makes me forget that. It's not that everyone i know is the same at all, it's that i have somehow the most amalgamated group of friends possible, and all we can do to continue speaking to each other is to accept that the only thing we will ever agree on is our town's name. We're like the Miscellaneous Bin at an auction, we don't go with Vintage Clothes or Furniture or Appliances, so we're rarely useful, but you tend to find the most interesting things here. Things that Ratchel would get out of a 50-cent machine and present to me with shining eyes and i'd stare at and think, how useless, but two months later find in my hallway and be delighted about. And so forth.
i've spent every single day in the past two weeks with Ratchel and/or Damian (and a little bit with other people). Friday, it was funny, i tells that to Bryan & i says, "I'm not going to call either of them tonight because i should hang out with somebody else!" and my phone rang and it was Ratchel. Like on cue. And we had a great Friday night, so i think maybe i will just hang out with Ratchel and/or Damian for the rest of eternity.
Well, i thought that for exactly twenty-four hours (during which i, yes, totally went shopping with (both) Ratchel and/or Damian! (and OMG i got earrings and books!!)), until my co-workers all went out and drunk dialed me a bunch, and i decided to join them (if only because Ratchel & Damian were at their respective work places), and it was fun. Like, enjoyable. i have so very little in common with my co-workers that i found i thoroughly enjoy their company (except for that bit when the war came up and i almost got upset about Abby joining the army, but whatever). We played darts & pool, and Shane taught Kelly to cha-cha, and Leon came even though he doesn't work with us anymore (sad) and Bob asked me all sorts of things about my personal life (why my manager needs to know if i've moved on i'm not sure, but i don't mynd), and it was cold out and it made me sleep in pretty late, but doing normal people things is okay. Normal people find me funny, and (as we all know) drunk people are funny. Some girl (Shane's friend) and i, in her words, "totally bonded," but she thinks my name is Stacy. Tis the way.
In any case, that was all to say i don't think my co-workers hate me anymore, and i'm over the extreme anti-social-ness i've been all about the past few months. Today was pretty much the best day of work ever, as Doug, Shane, Melisa & i pretty much chillaxed whilst actually getting ton done, and it was fun. We drew the most awesome Mythological Beast ever, which i shall scan and share with all the world! i was pretty sure i'd forgotten how to have fun, but it's still there sometimes.
Also, MaRy's in town and I AM SO EXCITED!!
i'm excited about the Ungrateful Taking!
i'm excited to visit Tony the week after that!
OMG! good things soon!
i also talked to Jon today, it was our first conversation in a month during which neither of us cried. It was also our longest conversation in about equally long, it seems a month is about enough time-passing for things to actually happen that one needs to be updated on. So that was good, in its way. His new job sounds frickin' awesome, and he's going to Mike's birthday shin-dig which i am rather jealous of, even missing our long, inevitable odd car-ride there with the same music over and over ("It's Ronny James Sarah! RONNY JAMES DIO!" "Uh, yes it is." "Holy DIVER! ERIC LOVES THIS SONG!") i'm still rather sad that i (probably) don't have anything to do on Thanksgiving, but not emotional about it always (among other things) like back in the day. [i suppose that's what i get after hanging out with the emotionless one and the even-more-emoted than me one all the frickin' time, eh?] And obviously enough, i guess, i'm writing again--i'm so much better at being single, at not being accountable for my schedule to anybody else, at not wondering what i might inappropriately give away--i could bring it back, i could be who i am again. Shit, that sounds really weird. Nevermind.
Oh, and i was thinking about one of my wonderful College Declarations from back in the day: that Maturity could be defined as the Ability to Wait. In which case, i would be presently NOT mature at all, but i do think i'm (quite recently) getting better. A good portion of my stress over the past year has been from the ongoing anxious feeling that i'm missing something that could have been great. And while that's true, i have to recognize that what i have anyway could be okay, if i just let it be. (hence the above declaration that my work can be fun) Here i have friends, at least. i may always be poor, but i shouldn't be such a bitch all the time that i lose the people who've stayed with me. And sometimes it goes back to that thought: that Happiness is not an event, or a time or person or anything, it's only something Remembered. Because now all i can think about is how happy i was that last year of school, living on Doty with the best roommate and neighbors possible, with the boyfriend and the fun job and the scholarship and the promise of a future and everything, absolutely everything that i could have wanted, and i re-read some posts from back in the day and the supposed happiness didn't shine through: i've always been worried about something an unsure of what to do next. Like, at least then i looked good on paper, but i needn't be quite too stressed right now, even in my glory days i didn't quite have my act together, so to speak. So i may not be the golden geology professor that i dreamed of, but i'll find somebody worthwhile to be.
It's 3:30 a.m. i need to stop ranting and go to sleep already (Dad's already gone out caching for the day, and even Sam's given up on getting her homework done tonight). But the night is glorious, and moods like this too fleeting.
"They ask such careless questions!"
There are, unsurprisingly enough, a lot of different sorts of people in the world, with a lot of different ideas of fun, morality, maturity, et cetera. EC, for the most part, makes me forget that. It's not that everyone i know is the same at all, it's that i have somehow the most amalgamated group of friends possible, and all we can do to continue speaking to each other is to accept that the only thing we will ever agree on is our town's name. We're like the Miscellaneous Bin at an auction, we don't go with Vintage Clothes or Furniture or Appliances, so we're rarely useful, but you tend to find the most interesting things here. Things that Ratchel would get out of a 50-cent machine and present to me with shining eyes and i'd stare at and think, how useless, but two months later find in my hallway and be delighted about. And so forth.
i've spent every single day in the past two weeks with Ratchel and/or Damian (and a little bit with other people). Friday, it was funny, i tells that to Bryan & i says, "I'm not going to call either of them tonight because i should hang out with somebody else!" and my phone rang and it was Ratchel. Like on cue. And we had a great Friday night, so i think maybe i will just hang out with Ratchel and/or Damian for the rest of eternity.
Well, i thought that for exactly twenty-four hours (during which i, yes, totally went shopping with (both) Ratchel and/or Damian! (and OMG i got earrings and books!!)), until my co-workers all went out and drunk dialed me a bunch, and i decided to join them (if only because Ratchel & Damian were at their respective work places), and it was fun. Like, enjoyable. i have so very little in common with my co-workers that i found i thoroughly enjoy their company (except for that bit when the war came up and i almost got upset about Abby joining the army, but whatever). We played darts & pool, and Shane taught Kelly to cha-cha, and Leon came even though he doesn't work with us anymore (sad) and Bob asked me all sorts of things about my personal life (why my manager needs to know if i've moved on i'm not sure, but i don't mynd), and it was cold out and it made me sleep in pretty late, but doing normal people things is okay. Normal people find me funny, and (as we all know) drunk people are funny. Some girl (Shane's friend) and i, in her words, "totally bonded," but she thinks my name is Stacy. Tis the way.
In any case, that was all to say i don't think my co-workers hate me anymore, and i'm over the extreme anti-social-ness i've been all about the past few months. Today was pretty much the best day of work ever, as Doug, Shane, Melisa & i pretty much chillaxed whilst actually getting ton done, and it was fun. We drew the most awesome Mythological Beast ever, which i shall scan and share with all the world! i was pretty sure i'd forgotten how to have fun, but it's still there sometimes.
Also, MaRy's in town and I AM SO EXCITED!!
i'm excited about the Ungrateful Taking!
i'm excited to visit Tony the week after that!
OMG! good things soon!
i also talked to Jon today, it was our first conversation in a month during which neither of us cried. It was also our longest conversation in about equally long, it seems a month is about enough time-passing for things to actually happen that one needs to be updated on. So that was good, in its way. His new job sounds frickin' awesome, and he's going to Mike's birthday shin-dig which i am rather jealous of, even missing our long, inevitable odd car-ride there with the same music over and over ("It's Ronny James Sarah! RONNY JAMES DIO!" "Uh, yes it is." "Holy DIVER! ERIC LOVES THIS SONG!") i'm still rather sad that i (probably) don't have anything to do on Thanksgiving, but not emotional about it always (among other things) like back in the day. [i suppose that's what i get after hanging out with the emotionless one and the even-more-emoted than me one all the frickin' time, eh?] And obviously enough, i guess, i'm writing again--i'm so much better at being single, at not being accountable for my schedule to anybody else, at not wondering what i might inappropriately give away--i could bring it back, i could be who i am again. Shit, that sounds really weird. Nevermind.
Oh, and i was thinking about one of my wonderful College Declarations from back in the day: that Maturity could be defined as the Ability to Wait. In which case, i would be presently NOT mature at all, but i do think i'm (quite recently) getting better. A good portion of my stress over the past year has been from the ongoing anxious feeling that i'm missing something that could have been great. And while that's true, i have to recognize that what i have anyway could be okay, if i just let it be. (hence the above declaration that my work can be fun) Here i have friends, at least. i may always be poor, but i shouldn't be such a bitch all the time that i lose the people who've stayed with me. And sometimes it goes back to that thought: that Happiness is not an event, or a time or person or anything, it's only something Remembered. Because now all i can think about is how happy i was that last year of school, living on Doty with the best roommate and neighbors possible, with the boyfriend and the fun job and the scholarship and the promise of a future and everything, absolutely everything that i could have wanted, and i re-read some posts from back in the day and the supposed happiness didn't shine through: i've always been worried about something an unsure of what to do next. Like, at least then i looked good on paper, but i needn't be quite too stressed right now, even in my glory days i didn't quite have my act together, so to speak. So i may not be the golden geology professor that i dreamed of, but i'll find somebody worthwhile to be.
It's 3:30 a.m. i need to stop ranting and go to sleep already (Dad's already gone out caching for the day, and even Sam's given up on getting her homework done tonight). But the night is glorious, and moods like this too fleeting.
"They ask such careless questions!"
Etiquetas: Life Updates, Observations, Quotes
¶ 00:47 0 comments
14 nov 2007
smooth
Monday i worked accidentally, so i have today off. i had planned to wake up at 8, get Chris off to school, and then go back to bed until around noon and get some cleaning done (of both body & house sorts). This has more-or-less happened, but with the addition of a motherly phone call at 8:30 a.m.
Mom calling when she knows we'd be sleeping is nothing unusual; mom calling sobbing about some slight, mishap or sharp pain too is nothing unusual; mom calling and leaving horrible messages about dumb shit ('Please send that photo to the donut man!' X200) and being really offended that we don't reply in-kind is also not unusual. Normal, like Normal People Do. Today i (quite foolishly?) answered the phone and she was even more upset than normal; she had been told to go home from work because she couldn't walk and wanted my assistance with removing a broken storm window from her house. So i did that, half-asleep (duct-taped a window, put a garbage can outside & ran a ladder through it), and we got the window-frame-thingy to the glass store, they'll have a new one for us in a week or so. The thing is that Mom really, really looked like an old woman. She needed help getting out of the car, tears spontaneously springing out from the pain. She can't stand up straight, and distinctly limps. Between that and her (O God NeverEnding) Cruella Deville hairdo, she looks downright 70. i'd say eighty, but even with the trifocals her face isn't quite that advanced. She can't work her standing-up job anymore, so Please God Let her New Job Not Suck (even though prayer totally went out twenty years ago). She kept repeating (ad nauseum, in that special Mom Way), that she hopes her leg feels better by Monday so she could make a Good Impression. i totally sent her home to see a doctor, and went back to bed.
Now, cut to 2ish. i finally wake up--a nap! Eat a little, clean a little, notice that Sam is Oddly sleeping in the living room (was she here this mornging and am i really that UnObservant?). RGE comes upstairs, dressed, ready-to-go; wants me to go to the mall with her now whearas i'd need a half-hour to be mall-ready. And is very, very pissed at me that Mom called us this morning. A. i was the Daughter who bothered to put on shoes and go outside at that beck&call. B. If i hadn't, ten minutes later Mom would have come into Dad's house, petted Jessie & Sally (who apparently looks like her old dog Candy, yay) and screamed at us until one of us did A. anyway. So how am i the bad guy? i get that RGE is continually pissed off by these sort of misadventures, but deal with it. You got the freaky mom, okay. But Normal People are Boring, and if you had any intrinsic spunk you'd find a way to deal with it other than blaming me. Secondly, being mad that i wasn't ready is stupid. That's what i do, i need warning on those days when i haven't showered yet to leave the house. And i don't work today, so i clearly already had plans. Not amazing plans, but plans all the same (and i'm a-doing them, the dishwasher is a-going as we speak).
As she left in her huff-n-puff, it was oddly reminiscent of how Jon & i always planned things, except in reverse and with a lot of unneeded anGar. i'm getting the distinct feeling that i'm one of those Old people who has a very set way of doing things, which is probably true given the amount of time i've spent alone. But still, dude. Rar.
Ah, shit. Chris is home. Can it really be 3:45 already? My life is over.
thirty day's refuse, star-sparkle-wands and Politicians: Do They Make Good Drinking Buddies? ¶ 13:36 0 comments
Monday i worked accidentally, so i have today off. i had planned to wake up at 8, get Chris off to school, and then go back to bed until around noon and get some cleaning done (of both body & house sorts). This has more-or-less happened, but with the addition of a motherly phone call at 8:30 a.m.
Mom calling when she knows we'd be sleeping is nothing unusual; mom calling sobbing about some slight, mishap or sharp pain too is nothing unusual; mom calling and leaving horrible messages about dumb shit ('Please send that photo to the donut man!' X200) and being really offended that we don't reply in-kind is also not unusual. Normal, like Normal People Do. Today i (quite foolishly?) answered the phone and she was even more upset than normal; she had been told to go home from work because she couldn't walk and wanted my assistance with removing a broken storm window from her house. So i did that, half-asleep (duct-taped a window, put a garbage can outside & ran a ladder through it), and we got the window-frame-thingy to the glass store, they'll have a new one for us in a week or so. The thing is that Mom really, really looked like an old woman. She needed help getting out of the car, tears spontaneously springing out from the pain. She can't stand up straight, and distinctly limps. Between that and her (O God NeverEnding) Cruella Deville hairdo, she looks downright 70. i'd say eighty, but even with the trifocals her face isn't quite that advanced. She can't work her standing-up job anymore, so Please God Let her New Job Not Suck (even though prayer totally went out twenty years ago). She kept repeating (ad nauseum, in that special Mom Way), that she hopes her leg feels better by Monday so she could make a Good Impression. i totally sent her home to see a doctor, and went back to bed.
Now, cut to 2ish. i finally wake up--a nap! Eat a little, clean a little, notice that Sam is Oddly sleeping in the living room (was she here this mornging and am i really that UnObservant?). RGE comes upstairs, dressed, ready-to-go; wants me to go to the mall with her now whearas i'd need a half-hour to be mall-ready. And is very, very pissed at me that Mom called us this morning. A. i was the Daughter who bothered to put on shoes and go outside at that beck&call. B. If i hadn't, ten minutes later Mom would have come into Dad's house, petted Jessie & Sally (who apparently looks like her old dog Candy, yay) and screamed at us until one of us did A. anyway. So how am i the bad guy? i get that RGE is continually pissed off by these sort of misadventures, but deal with it. You got the freaky mom, okay. But Normal People are Boring, and if you had any intrinsic spunk you'd find a way to deal with it other than blaming me. Secondly, being mad that i wasn't ready is stupid. That's what i do, i need warning on those days when i haven't showered yet to leave the house. And i don't work today, so i clearly already had plans. Not amazing plans, but plans all the same (and i'm a-doing them, the dishwasher is a-going as we speak).
As she left in her huff-n-puff, it was oddly reminiscent of how Jon & i always planned things, except in reverse and with a lot of unneeded anGar. i'm getting the distinct feeling that i'm one of those Old people who has a very set way of doing things, which is probably true given the amount of time i've spent alone. But still, dude. Rar.
Ah, shit. Chris is home. Can it really be 3:45 already? My life is over.
thirty day's refuse, star-sparkle-wands and Politicians: Do They Make Good Drinking Buddies? ¶ 13:36 0 comments
11 nov 2007
Isabella Kirkland? (the artist featured on the cover of E.O. Wilson's Future of Life).
Amazing. ¶ 18:46 0 comments
Amazing. ¶ 18:46 0 comments
10 nov 2007
oh, and since i never update on here:
-i'm done with my class & have been for almost 2 months.
-i have a car, thanks to Nik.
-my mom had a huge ordeal with the National Student Clearinghouse not checking the right boxes, so she'll basically never get a real person job
-eveyone at the DAMN house is playing WoW again (damn)
-Meldahl got a dog
-Barbie's engaged!
-Alex now lives in the same building as Ratchel & Jason!
-i've made minimal progress on YAUUEC, but do have 2 recruits
-other stuff i'm sure ¶ 18:44 0 comments
-i'm done with my class & have been for almost 2 months.
-i have a car, thanks to Nik.
-my mom had a huge ordeal with the National Student Clearinghouse not checking the right boxes, so she'll basically never get a real person job
-eveyone at the DAMN house is playing WoW again (damn)
-Meldahl got a dog
-Barbie's engaged!
-Alex now lives in the same building as Ratchel & Jason!
-i've made minimal progress on YAUUEC, but do have 2 recruits
-other stuff i'm sure ¶ 18:44 0 comments
study finds...Dog-Welder!
Saturday Night: at home with the entire entourage. This is probably a bad idea: Ralph, Robin, Sam, Aaron & Chris are apparently going somewhere, but they're getting to total chaos faster. i have computer use because i claimed i needed to help somebody with homework, and though i could technically work on Jon' proposal right now, i think i'll wait on that. Wait, i'm on the ridiculous computer that doesn't even have word (i will never get over that). Sam can't do her hair without a mirror, Ralph needs to shower, Aaron wants to play with the sugar-gliders (just what we need: more pets), leading Chris to play with their meal worms over and over, all while Robin threatens to throw out the meal worms, his Halloween candy, and him himself if he doesn't find him shoes already.
Good times.
RGE is wisely avoiding the entire thing by playing Sims downstairs, and i could be at the Jackson estate with Blake, Adam, Damian & AJ watching movies or geeky things or something, but i was suppossed to go out with Megan so right now i'm waiting for her to call back or for Ratchel to get off work; whichever comes first. It just seems like too far a drive to only stay an hour, but i'm beginning to think i made the wrong choice here. Earlier i went to Shanghai Bistro with Blake, Aggie, Damian, AJ & Adam, and it was marvelously tasty as usual, though they AGAIN didn't have green tea ice cream... sad. Blake got into an involved discussion--er, speech--about Hitman, a spin off of Batman except all the superheroes have lame powers like Sixpack or Dog-Welder. Yes, Dog-Welder welds dogs to his enemies. Hilarious, but i gotta wonder what the dressed-nicely people at the next table thought about that & our spontaneous Tetris-Hum-A-Long. And Aggie has Nagai Sensai, which is freakin' awesome, and Nagai Sensai is a GENIUS of untold proportions. Like, seriously. Untold.
This entire week has been surprisingly good. In general i haven't felt like myself for months, and last weekend i suddenly felt... better. i'm just done with the panic attacks, the talking about poverty every time i see mom and the being angry at everybody for being too stupid to understand my problems. This has led to spending more time with Barbie (who is like a drug: enjoyable and addictive) and Damian (also, maybe, like a drug, but with more triangles) and Ratchel (who we all know here, yes?). Damian has a big Maslow theory going on, about which levels certain people are at and such, which makes a lot of sense but isn't as practically helpful as i first hoped. As for myself, by this theory, this past year of absolute misery is because i was at one of the higher levels of fulfillment (maybe even self-actualization) when the lower levels (ie, food, clothing, shelter) were pulled out from under me. Then, to boot, i lost a good percentage of my friends and was made fun of my family (Goodbye, social). So, overish that. i mean, not really over it, as it's becoming obvious that the most dangerous thing in EC is complacency, and it's not like i'm saying i'm suddenly happy about being here after the past year's events. It's just that it's pointless to be this miserable so much of the time. I mean, my life-arch as a whole may be a bust, but i still have to come up with something else to do with myself, and being mopey to the point of not being able to stop crying for weeks on end isn't going to get me there.
Chris just sprayed shaving gel all over the bathroom... and apparently carmex all over the couch. i'm not moving from here until they are gone: the living room is dangerous.
Back to how awesome this week was: Tuesday i went to Acoustic with Kirk, Wendesday i went to Racy's with Allison, Thursday i went to the DAMN house & then Perkins with Nik & Adam, yesterday we (Ratchel, Jason, Damian & Adam) had a movie night here (um, Hans Christian Anderson is AWESOME... and, for those oblivious ones of you: i have a TV viewing area set-up in part of the house not covered with animals!), and as already said, went to Shanghai Bistro today. That's a lot of eating out, shit, but it seems that no one has ideas other than that in these parts. Which is fine with me, as i still can't keep food at home. i've suddenly become more than a legend with the DAMN/Hizzouse people: i'm a Hero. Many a pound-it and proposed reenactment of Saturday night have been thrown in my honour; and Max among others were really, really sad that they missed the whole thing. Not that i'm proud of it, i went & apologized to Bryan last Sunday, and as he's the most amazing person the planet has ever seen (even WITH his hatred of the lithosphere), he wasn't too upset with me. So i think that'll be okay. i still feel bad, but unfortunately everything was getting to the point where throwing some sort of fit was probably the only thing anyone could expect when i'm drunk. Odd... but pretty much in the vein of how de-humanizing everything in EC seems to be.
But i'm feeling better; maybe not like the old Sarah yet, but somewhere between hours of Veronica Mars and the Dating Frequency Cards creation (Nik's idea: Adam & i are going to leave them randomly in bars), things suddenly seemed manageable again. Dad almost started in on me with a "Get a J-O-B" rant, and mom almost started in on a "I should have married better" rant, and i told both of them to fucking stuff it, so i'm clearly growing as a person... or just completely running out of patience. It's not that either of them are wrong, it's that in Dad's case criticizing me for letting myself get screwed by him doesn't help, and in Mom's case lamenting dumb choices she made thirty years ago doesn't help. Get new fucking rants already, people.
And also, as i'm sure everyone has heard by now, Jon broke up with me. This was almost three weeks ago already, and mostly involved a huge amount of crying. For now i'm doing okay; the first week was pretty bad. One of my co-workers actually made me cry as follows:
Me: *comes back from break looking crabby*
Cortney: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Uh, no. i guess you wouldn't know yet, but Jon broke up with me."
Cortney: "Oh, I'm sorry!"
Melisa: "Well, there's other fish in the sea!"
Me: "JON HATES FISH!"
...which is pretty funny in retrospect. Basically, it was time for a change, and even though he loves me a lot, i'm not the same Sarah he knew two years ago. i'm miserable Sarah all the time, and since he can't make it better it was starting to get him down too. (i find it pretty funny, though, that the only person who actually understands my predicament--ie., doesn't refer to future-deletion as "a setback"--still thinks he's holding me back from my future... it just goes to show how terribly sweet he is) There were a lot of other factors, but we spent an entire weekend hashing through things and have pretty much run out of ideas for/with each other. So yeah, that's that, and really i knew it was coming for a while, and actually feel less miserable now that it's happened rather than worrying about it.
Right now i'm pretty worried about him, too, as he has a great habit of going into major-depressed mode after every breakup and basically not leaving the house for months at a time... i'm hoping it will be better this time for him as it wasn't sprung on him (and not because anybody cheated on him), but he's also in Winona where he has a lot less friends, so it might be worse. i don't know if Tim can handle it alone, last time it took Jake, Alexis, Dave, David, Josh, Angie, and myself working full time to make it better. But this weekend Jake, Dave, Alex (and maybe Kevin?) are visiting him, so lots of Lord Jim rockin' out is going on and other good stuff like that.
And, after we broke up, he lent me money, stayed the rest of the weekend, and i did his homework for him. Odd, yes.
That'll probably be that on that subject. Jon always said i could write whatever i want about him on here, as he wasn't going to read it, but i find it weird to write a lot about people who aren't going to see it. And mostly we had an odd relationship while it was going on, so it'd be even weirder of me to write a lot now that it's over(ish).
Oye. Chris is FINALLY gone, so it just might be safe to leave this corner. Maybe i will head over to the Jackson estate, it doesn't seem like Megan' going to call me back.
Oh!
Wait, nevermind. That's a story for another time.
Hm.
it's just bilateral symmetry, baby. ¶ 17:46 0 comments
Saturday Night: at home with the entire entourage. This is probably a bad idea: Ralph, Robin, Sam, Aaron & Chris are apparently going somewhere, but they're getting to total chaos faster. i have computer use because i claimed i needed to help somebody with homework, and though i could technically work on Jon' proposal right now, i think i'll wait on that. Wait, i'm on the ridiculous computer that doesn't even have word (i will never get over that). Sam can't do her hair without a mirror, Ralph needs to shower, Aaron wants to play with the sugar-gliders (just what we need: more pets), leading Chris to play with their meal worms over and over, all while Robin threatens to throw out the meal worms, his Halloween candy, and him himself if he doesn't find him shoes already.
Good times.
RGE is wisely avoiding the entire thing by playing Sims downstairs, and i could be at the Jackson estate with Blake, Adam, Damian & AJ watching movies or geeky things or something, but i was suppossed to go out with Megan so right now i'm waiting for her to call back or for Ratchel to get off work; whichever comes first. It just seems like too far a drive to only stay an hour, but i'm beginning to think i made the wrong choice here. Earlier i went to Shanghai Bistro with Blake, Aggie, Damian, AJ & Adam, and it was marvelously tasty as usual, though they AGAIN didn't have green tea ice cream... sad. Blake got into an involved discussion--er, speech--about Hitman, a spin off of Batman except all the superheroes have lame powers like Sixpack or Dog-Welder. Yes, Dog-Welder welds dogs to his enemies. Hilarious, but i gotta wonder what the dressed-nicely people at the next table thought about that & our spontaneous Tetris-Hum-A-Long. And Aggie has Nagai Sensai, which is freakin' awesome, and Nagai Sensai is a GENIUS of untold proportions. Like, seriously. Untold.
This entire week has been surprisingly good. In general i haven't felt like myself for months, and last weekend i suddenly felt... better. i'm just done with the panic attacks, the talking about poverty every time i see mom and the being angry at everybody for being too stupid to understand my problems. This has led to spending more time with Barbie (who is like a drug: enjoyable and addictive) and Damian (also, maybe, like a drug, but with more triangles) and Ratchel (who we all know here, yes?). Damian has a big Maslow theory going on, about which levels certain people are at and such, which makes a lot of sense but isn't as practically helpful as i first hoped. As for myself, by this theory, this past year of absolute misery is because i was at one of the higher levels of fulfillment (maybe even self-actualization) when the lower levels (ie, food, clothing, shelter) were pulled out from under me. Then, to boot, i lost a good percentage of my friends and was made fun of my family (Goodbye, social). So, overish that. i mean, not really over it, as it's becoming obvious that the most dangerous thing in EC is complacency, and it's not like i'm saying i'm suddenly happy about being here after the past year's events. It's just that it's pointless to be this miserable so much of the time. I mean, my life-arch as a whole may be a bust, but i still have to come up with something else to do with myself, and being mopey to the point of not being able to stop crying for weeks on end isn't going to get me there.
Chris just sprayed shaving gel all over the bathroom... and apparently carmex all over the couch. i'm not moving from here until they are gone: the living room is dangerous.
Back to how awesome this week was: Tuesday i went to Acoustic with Kirk, Wendesday i went to Racy's with Allison, Thursday i went to the DAMN house & then Perkins with Nik & Adam, yesterday we (Ratchel, Jason, Damian & Adam) had a movie night here (um, Hans Christian Anderson is AWESOME... and, for those oblivious ones of you: i have a TV viewing area set-up in part of the house not covered with animals!), and as already said, went to Shanghai Bistro today. That's a lot of eating out, shit, but it seems that no one has ideas other than that in these parts. Which is fine with me, as i still can't keep food at home. i've suddenly become more than a legend with the DAMN/Hizzouse people: i'm a Hero. Many a pound-it and proposed reenactment of Saturday night have been thrown in my honour; and Max among others were really, really sad that they missed the whole thing. Not that i'm proud of it, i went & apologized to Bryan last Sunday, and as he's the most amazing person the planet has ever seen (even WITH his hatred of the lithosphere), he wasn't too upset with me. So i think that'll be okay. i still feel bad, but unfortunately everything was getting to the point where throwing some sort of fit was probably the only thing anyone could expect when i'm drunk. Odd... but pretty much in the vein of how de-humanizing everything in EC seems to be.
But i'm feeling better; maybe not like the old Sarah yet, but somewhere between hours of Veronica Mars and the Dating Frequency Cards creation (Nik's idea: Adam & i are going to leave them randomly in bars), things suddenly seemed manageable again. Dad almost started in on me with a "Get a J-O-B" rant, and mom almost started in on a "I should have married better" rant, and i told both of them to fucking stuff it, so i'm clearly growing as a person... or just completely running out of patience. It's not that either of them are wrong, it's that in Dad's case criticizing me for letting myself get screwed by him doesn't help, and in Mom's case lamenting dumb choices she made thirty years ago doesn't help. Get new fucking rants already, people.
And also, as i'm sure everyone has heard by now, Jon broke up with me. This was almost three weeks ago already, and mostly involved a huge amount of crying. For now i'm doing okay; the first week was pretty bad. One of my co-workers actually made me cry as follows:
Me: *comes back from break looking crabby*
Cortney: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Uh, no. i guess you wouldn't know yet, but Jon broke up with me."
Cortney: "Oh, I'm sorry!"
Melisa: "Well, there's other fish in the sea!"
Me: "JON HATES FISH!"
...which is pretty funny in retrospect. Basically, it was time for a change, and even though he loves me a lot, i'm not the same Sarah he knew two years ago. i'm miserable Sarah all the time, and since he can't make it better it was starting to get him down too. (i find it pretty funny, though, that the only person who actually understands my predicament--ie., doesn't refer to future-deletion as "a setback"--still thinks he's holding me back from my future... it just goes to show how terribly sweet he is) There were a lot of other factors, but we spent an entire weekend hashing through things and have pretty much run out of ideas for/with each other. So yeah, that's that, and really i knew it was coming for a while, and actually feel less miserable now that it's happened rather than worrying about it.
Right now i'm pretty worried about him, too, as he has a great habit of going into major-depressed mode after every breakup and basically not leaving the house for months at a time... i'm hoping it will be better this time for him as it wasn't sprung on him (and not because anybody cheated on him), but he's also in Winona where he has a lot less friends, so it might be worse. i don't know if Tim can handle it alone, last time it took Jake, Alexis, Dave, David, Josh, Angie, and myself working full time to make it better. But this weekend Jake, Dave, Alex (and maybe Kevin?) are visiting him, so lots of Lord Jim rockin' out is going on and other good stuff like that.
And, after we broke up, he lent me money, stayed the rest of the weekend, and i did his homework for him. Odd, yes.
That'll probably be that on that subject. Jon always said i could write whatever i want about him on here, as he wasn't going to read it, but i find it weird to write a lot about people who aren't going to see it. And mostly we had an odd relationship while it was going on, so it'd be even weirder of me to write a lot now that it's over(ish).
Oye. Chris is FINALLY gone, so it just might be safe to leave this corner. Maybe i will head over to the Jackson estate, it doesn't seem like Megan' going to call me back.
Oh!
Wait, nevermind. That's a story for another time.
Hm.
it's just bilateral symmetry, baby. ¶ 17:46 0 comments
