study finds...Dog-Welder!

Saturday Night: at home with the entire entourage. This is probably a bad idea: Ralph, Robin, Sam, Aaron & Chris are apparently going somewhere, but they're getting to total chaos faster. i have computer use because i claimed i needed to help somebody with homework, and though i could technically work on Jon' proposal right now, i think i'll wait on that. Wait, i'm on the ridiculous computer that doesn't even have word (i will never get over that). Sam can't do her hair without a mirror, Ralph needs to shower, Aaron wants to play with the sugar-gliders (just what we need: more pets), leading Chris to play with their meal worms over and over, all while Robin threatens to throw out the meal worms, his Halloween candy, and him himself if he doesn't find him shoes already.

Good times.

RGE is wisely avoiding the entire thing by playing Sims downstairs, and i could be at the Jackson estate with Blake, Adam, Damian & AJ watching movies or geeky things or something, but i was suppossed to go out with Megan so right now i'm waiting for her to call back or for Ratchel to get off work; whichever comes first. It just seems like too far a drive to only stay an hour, but i'm beginning to think i made the wrong choice here. Earlier i went to Shanghai Bistro with Blake, Aggie, Damian, AJ & Adam, and it was marvelously tasty as usual, though they AGAIN didn't have green tea ice cream... sad. Blake got into an involved discussion--er, speech--about Hitman, a spin off of Batman except all the superheroes have lame powers like Sixpack or Dog-Welder. Yes, Dog-Welder welds dogs to his enemies. Hilarious, but i gotta wonder what the dressed-nicely people at the next table thought about that & our spontaneous Tetris-Hum-A-Long. And Aggie has Nagai Sensai, which is freakin' awesome, and Nagai Sensai is a GENIUS of untold proportions. Like, seriously. Untold.

This entire week has been surprisingly good. In general i haven't felt like myself for months, and last weekend i suddenly felt... better. i'm just done with the panic attacks, the talking about poverty every time i see mom and the being angry at everybody for being too stupid to understand my problems. This has led to spending more time with Barbie (who is like a drug: enjoyable and addictive) and Damian (also, maybe, like a drug, but with more triangles) and Ratchel (who we all know here, yes?). Damian has a big Maslow theory going on, about which levels certain people are at and such, which makes a lot of sense but isn't as practically helpful as i first hoped. As for myself, by this theory, this past year of absolute misery is because i was at one of the higher levels of fulfillment (maybe even self-actualization) when the lower levels (ie, food, clothing, shelter) were pulled out from under me. Then, to boot, i lost a good percentage of my friends and was made fun of my family (Goodbye, social). So, overish that. i mean, not really over it, as it's becoming obvious that the most dangerous thing in EC is complacency, and it's not like i'm saying i'm suddenly happy about being here after the past year's events. It's just that it's pointless to be this miserable so much of the time. I mean, my life-arch as a whole may be a bust, but i still have to come up with something else to do with myself, and being mopey to the point of not being able to stop crying for weeks on end isn't going to get me there.

Chris just sprayed shaving gel all over the bathroom... and apparently carmex all over the couch. i'm not moving from here until they are gone: the living room is dangerous.

Back to how awesome this week was: Tuesday i went to Acoustic with Kirk, Wendesday i went to Racy's with Allison, Thursday i went to the DAMN house & then Perkins with Nik & Adam, yesterday we (Ratchel, Jason, Damian & Adam) had a movie night here (um, Hans Christian Anderson is AWESOME... and, for those oblivious ones of you: i have a TV viewing area set-up in part of the house not covered with animals!), and as already said, went to Shanghai Bistro today. That's a lot of eating out, shit, but it seems that no one has ideas other than that in these parts. Which is fine with me, as i still can't keep food at home. i've suddenly become more than a legend with the DAMN/Hizzouse people: i'm a Hero. Many a pound-it and proposed reenactment of Saturday night have been thrown in my honour; and Max among others were really, really sad that they missed the whole thing. Not that i'm proud of it, i went & apologized to Bryan last Sunday, and as he's the most amazing person the planet has ever seen (even WITH his hatred of the lithosphere), he wasn't too upset with me. So i think that'll be okay. i still feel bad, but unfortunately everything was getting to the point where throwing some sort of fit was probably the only thing anyone could expect when i'm drunk. Odd... but pretty much in the vein of how de-humanizing everything in EC seems to be.

But i'm feeling better; maybe not like the old Sarah yet, but somewhere between hours of Veronica Mars and the Dating Frequency Cards creation (Nik's idea: Adam & i are going to leave them randomly in bars), things suddenly seemed manageable again. Dad almost started in on me with a "Get a J-O-B" rant, and mom almost started in on a "I should have married better" rant, and i told both of them to fucking stuff it, so i'm clearly growing as a person... or just completely running out of patience. It's not that either of them are wrong, it's that in Dad's case criticizing me for letting myself get screwed by him doesn't help, and in Mom's case lamenting dumb choices she made thirty years ago doesn't help. Get new fucking rants already, people.

And also, as i'm sure everyone has heard by now, Jon broke up with me. This was almost three weeks ago already, and mostly involved a huge amount of crying. For now i'm doing okay; the first week was pretty bad. One of my co-workers actually made me cry as follows:
Me: *comes back from break looking crabby*
Cortney: "Are you okay?"
Me: "Uh, no. i guess you wouldn't know yet, but Jon broke up with me."
Cortney: "Oh, I'm sorry!"
Melisa: "Well, there's other fish in the sea!"
Me: "JON HATES FISH!"
...which is pretty funny in retrospect. Basically, it was time for a change, and even though he loves me a lot, i'm not the same Sarah he knew two years ago. i'm miserable Sarah all the time, and since he can't make it better it was starting to get him down too. (i find it pretty funny, though, that the only person who actually understands my predicament--ie., doesn't refer to future-deletion as "a setback"--still thinks he's holding me back from my future... it just goes to show how terribly sweet he is) There were a lot of other factors, but we spent an entire weekend hashing through things and have pretty much run out of ideas for/with each other. So yeah, that's that, and really i knew it was coming for a while, and actually feel less miserable now that it's happened rather than worrying about it.

Right now i'm pretty worried about him, too, as he has a great habit of going into major-depressed mode after every breakup and basically not leaving the house for months at a time... i'm hoping it will be better this time for him as it wasn't sprung on him (and not because anybody cheated on him), but he's also in Winona where he has a lot less friends, so it might be worse. i don't know if Tim can handle it alone, last time it took Jake, Alexis, Dave, David, Josh, Angie, and myself working full time to make it better. But this weekend Jake, Dave, Alex (and maybe Kevin?) are visiting him, so lots of Lord Jim rockin' out is going on and other good stuff like that.

And, after we broke up, he lent me money, stayed the rest of the weekend, and i did his homework for him. Odd, yes.

That'll probably be that on that subject. Jon always said i could write whatever i want about him on here, as he wasn't going to read it, but i find it weird to write a lot about people who aren't going to see it. And mostly we had an odd relationship while it was going on, so it'd be even weirder of me to write a lot now that it's over(ish).

Oye. Chris is FINALLY gone, so it just might be safe to leave this corner. Maybe i will head over to the Jackson estate, it doesn't seem like Megan' going to call me back.

Oh!

Wait, nevermind. That's a story for another time.

Hm.

it's just bilateral symmetry, baby.  ¶ 17:46