'i feel i must interject here--'

There are, unsurprisingly enough, a lot of different sorts of people in the world, with a lot of different ideas of fun, morality, maturity, et cetera. EC, for the most part, makes me forget that. It's not that everyone i know is the same at all, it's that i have somehow the most amalgamated group of friends possible, and all we can do to continue speaking to each other is to accept that the only thing we will ever agree on is our town's name. We're like the Miscellaneous Bin at an auction, we don't go with Vintage Clothes or Furniture or Appliances, so we're rarely useful, but you tend to find the most interesting things here. Things that Ratchel would get out of a 50-cent machine and present to me with shining eyes and i'd stare at and think, how useless, but two months later find in my hallway and be delighted about. And so forth.

i've spent every single day in the past two weeks with Ratchel and/or Damian (and a little bit with other people). Friday, it was funny, i tells that to Bryan & i says, "I'm not going to call either of them tonight because i should hang out with somebody else!" and my phone rang and it was Ratchel. Like on cue. And we had a great Friday night, so i think maybe i will just hang out with Ratchel and/or Damian for the rest of eternity.

Well, i thought that for exactly twenty-four hours (during which i, yes, totally went shopping with (both) Ratchel and/or Damian! (and OMG i got earrings and books!!)), until my co-workers all went out and drunk dialed me a bunch, and i decided to join them (if only because Ratchel & Damian were at their respective work places), and it was fun. Like, enjoyable. i have so very little in common with my co-workers that i found i thoroughly enjoy their company (except for that bit when the war came up and i almost got upset about Abby joining the army, but whatever). We played darts & pool, and Shane taught Kelly to cha-cha, and Leon came even though he doesn't work with us anymore (sad) and Bob asked me all sorts of things about my personal life (why my manager needs to know if i've moved on i'm not sure, but i don't mynd), and it was cold out and it made me sleep in pretty late, but doing normal people things is okay. Normal people find me funny, and (as we all know) drunk people are funny. Some girl (Shane's friend) and i, in her words, "totally bonded," but she thinks my name is Stacy. Tis the way.

In any case, that was all to say i don't think my co-workers hate me anymore, and i'm over the extreme anti-social-ness i've been all about the past few months. Today was pretty much the best day of work ever, as Doug, Shane, Melisa & i pretty much chillaxed whilst actually getting ton done, and it was fun. We drew the most awesome Mythological Beast ever, which i shall scan and share with all the world! i was pretty sure i'd forgotten how to have fun, but it's still there sometimes.

Also, MaRy's in town and I AM SO EXCITED!!

i'm excited about the Ungrateful Taking!

i'm excited to visit Tony the week after that!

OMG! good things soon!

i also talked to Jon today, it was our first conversation in a month during which neither of us cried. It was also our longest conversation in about equally long, it seems a month is about enough time-passing for things to actually happen that one needs to be updated on. So that was good, in its way. His new job sounds frickin' awesome, and he's going to Mike's birthday shin-dig which i am rather jealous of, even missing our long, inevitable odd car-ride there with the same music over and over ("It's Ronny James Sarah! RONNY JAMES DIO!" "Uh, yes it is." "Holy DIVER! ERIC LOVES THIS SONG!") i'm still rather sad that i (probably) don't have anything to do on Thanksgiving, but not emotional about it always (among other things) like back in the day. [i suppose that's what i get after hanging out with the emotionless one and the even-more-emoted than me one all the frickin' time, eh?] And obviously enough, i guess, i'm writing again--i'm so much better at being single, at not being accountable for my schedule to anybody else, at not wondering what i might inappropriately give away--i could bring it back, i could be who i am again. Shit, that sounds really weird. Nevermind.

Oh, and i was thinking about one of my wonderful College Declarations from back in the day: that Maturity could be defined as the Ability to Wait. In which case, i would be presently NOT mature at all, but i do think i'm (quite recently) getting better. A good portion of my stress over the past year has been from the ongoing anxious feeling that i'm missing something that could have been great. And while that's true, i have to recognize that what i have anyway could be okay, if i just let it be. (hence the above declaration that my work can be fun) Here i have friends, at least. i may always be poor, but i shouldn't be such a bitch all the time that i lose the people who've stayed with me. And sometimes it goes back to that thought: that Happiness is not an event, or a time or person or anything, it's only something Remembered. Because now all i can think about is how happy i was that last year of school, living on Doty with the best roommate and neighbors possible, with the boyfriend and the fun job and the scholarship and the promise of a future and everything, absolutely everything that i could have wanted, and i re-read some posts from back in the day and the supposed happiness didn't shine through: i've always been worried about something an unsure of what to do next. Like, at least then i looked good on paper, but i needn't be quite too stressed right now, even in my glory days i didn't quite have my act together, so to speak. So i may not be the golden geology professor that i dreamed of, but i'll find somebody worthwhile to be.

It's 3:30 a.m. i need to stop ranting and go to sleep already (Dad's already gone out caching for the day, and even Sam's given up on getting her homework done tonight). But the night is glorious, and moods like this too fleeting.

"They ask such careless questions!"

Etiquetas: Life Updates, Observations, Quotes

  ¶ 00:47 0 comments

  Yesterday while Kyle & Tony & Crawford were talking, children came up. Tony said he doesn't want kids, because he can never love someone simply because they are a member of his family. He cannot love someone unconditionally because he sees their faults. I love people unconditionally, but later I see their faults. This leads to me being disappointed in people when I discover their true motives.

I’m not sure which is better. To begin disappointed, or to end up that way.* Not everybody disappoints me, and if they do it’s usually because I painted just too big a picture around them. When I meet a person, I see how they look, hear what they say, and assume they are complete unto themselves. Revelation of the month: Not everybody is.

I can just hear Rachel’s voice, “Tony’s just cynical, that bitter dyke”. (I don’t get the ‘bitter dyke’ thing. Someone really should explain it to me.)

The thing is, Tony’s cynicism is one of the things I like most about him. I think being cynical is the most natural response to our culture. But being cynical on a personal level, to the people around you, just pushes people away. I think you have to differentiate between memes and the people who happen to believe them. The memes of our culture are certainly something to be cynical about. People aren’t.

My quote of the year sophomore year comes to mind. “we are all being fooled, though no one is fooling us”.

*Of course these aren't the only options. One could just not care, and thus never be dissappointed.

Etiquetas: Friends, Observations

  ¶ 11:08 0 comments