[circa 2001:]
how to be an impressive packrat, by sarah eddy:
1. Have two houses, both with many closets.
2. Have a mother who buys you lots of crap, especially things such as rubber bands with your middle name on them, anything cute, and Garfield notepads. Have your mother's best friend love garage sales.
3. Have a job and no expenses except for a car.
4. Have a bad memory but lots of curiousity. Buy books, cds, and movies on a wide range of subjects.
5. Have many parties:
A) Have several of these parties be oddly themed, thus if people leave stuff behind they won't notice for a long time.
or B) Forget to tell your friends to pick up their buckets of dice, corsets, Munchkin game, skis, ski-shoe-thingys, half-done collages, et cetera, for many years.
or even C) Have some of these friends be homeless, thus with nowhere to store their own stuff. Sometimes this means you'll even get an extra pet or two! This works well if your father is even more forgetfull/oblivious than yourself.
6. Live in a college town. Pick up at least one new end table every semestre.
7. Break things. Store in closet for later use.
8. Loose things. Buy several replacements.
9. Collect every possible item you vaguely like; including but not limited to: buttons, sewing kits, stamps, stickers, American Girls paraphernalia, cat toys, photos of Tony's stomach, funny things written on Rocky's placemats, beads, half-done puzzles, anything Star Trek, bridges/models made of balsa wood, all issues of Rolling Stone & Discover 1997-2002, Bekah/sarah's Top 100 (list of lists), props from different school plays, fancy clothes you'll never wear, pillows, and objects with your middle name on them.
10. Be a collage-ist. Steal magazines, newspapers, books, and catalogues everywhere you go. Have many scissors, gluesticks, and empty shoe boxes on hand; cut out lots of things and save them in shoe boxes.
11. Have your ex-stepmother move out, leaving lots of goodies.
12. Have friends from various workplaces give you random presents. Feel bad for getting rid of random presents, even things like A) a plush 'good-smelling' squirrel B) M2M cd C) plastic hair-comb/shoe-horn in one.
13. Own lots of clothes. Long-term borrow clothes from friends who change sizes frequently, thus de facto giving you new things. Have some of your friends move around; they will give you their ill-fitting clothes.
14. Obviously, throw nothing away.

[circa 2005:]
how not to be a packrat, by sarah eddy:
1. Move a minimum of three times a year. You will never get mail and will probably loose things each time.
2. Have your father's girlfriend move out and take a lot of your stuff, especially your bed. Have your mother's house be a fire trap, thus not worth saving anything there anyway.
3. Have your dog chew up all your socks.
4. Be really broke. Sell many books, and try not to get too upset when the used bookstore will not take The Babysitter's Club #s 1-64. Attend a wonderful University that has just about every book you'd ever want anyway. Make friends with the library. This means returning the books, which means they'll let you borrow another next time.
5. Be really, really broke. Sell some CDs.
6. Be really, really, really broke. Try to sell the clarinet.
7. Only collect
A) Heavy things such as rocks. This will keep you from becoming excessive.
or B) Small things such as earrings. They don't take up much room, and your sister will probably steal them anyway.
8. Break things. Don't worry about them.
9. Loose things. [Notably: graphing calculators, coffee cups, and Spanish textbooks.] Ask everyone you know to let you borrow their similar items; return in timely manner. Like the library, friends will lend things out; unlike the library, you won't get automated emails telling you to return things. Try to remember who you borrowed things from.
10. Be too busy to collage. This removes the need to steal magazines.
11. Have your dad take up geocaching, a hobby that requires small objects. Share your closet full of crap with him gradually.
12. Be really stressed out when your mother calls you to say, "Sarah! Guess what I bought for you today! A shiny [whatever] with your middle name on it!" Tell her to keep the shiny object with your middle name on it for future use.
12. Be the exact same clothing size you have been for several years. Thus, as clothes wear out you either give them away or loose them and never need to replace items. Wear the same pants for weeks at a time. Have three pairs of shoes; leave one of those pairs of shoes in your mother's car.
13. Realize your cat never liked cat toys anyway.
14. Keep lists & photos online rather than in extensive array of notebooks.  ¶ 13:48