2 abr 2006
life in the big city
Well, sort of.
So Thursday, right? My neighbor (let's call him JR) was walking home from school & decided to visit the co-op where he lived last year. As soon as he entered, one of the other residents there (not even recognizing him) went into a long suicidal rant, and poor JR simply did not know what to do! So he took care of his errand and began walking home to our neighborhood. A homeless black man stopped him on his way, saying, 'maybe the people will give you money, white boy,' and so JR tried to beg for money for the homeless man, but failed and then it began to rain. Other crazy things happened on this walk home, but i don't remember what.
i was dancing to Shiva at the time of these occurances.
So JR returns home, Dave & i are sitting around doing homework/generally complaining about our stressful lives, and goes into a very long rant on the abovementioned events among others, ending with me saying, "Well JR, you have now learned a life lesson or two. You could not talk that acquaintance out of suicide, and you also know not to become homeless because you are not good at begging for money."
This was crazy because it was so much randomness in one day. JR; "People in New York must go through this every day, suicidal friends, homeless people, dancing to Shiva, and a term paper! Oye!"
and then i committed a dire slip of tongue.
"At some point you have to accept that you just can't help some people. i limit myself to one suicide prevention per year."
Now, my friends here are loving, liberal, nice people. But they don't actually know me that well or get me. So the above came off as very caustic.
And maybe it is, but at some point we just don't have that storehouse of positive emotion to hold us up. i have talked people out of suicide; i've talked myself out of suicide. i've also hung up on calls thinking, 'if i have to talk her out of it one more time i'll kill her myself!' And no, it's not funny; it's just how it is.
But don't you notice that we're haphazard about the whole thing? Like suicide is easy? Because it's not. The body has reactions and at the last second will always change your mynd for you. And we all know the rest.
So pick some minorly self-destructive thing to do to yourself (drink, smoke, etc) and do it as far as your health will allow and try really hard to pick up the pieces. Because there's no way out but up.
And we're smart enough to do that together.
And more than good enough.
Earlier this week, Wendesday, i had an intensely localized bout of self-loathing. Turning in the app to JOI was stressful; it's impossible in a cover letter to express why i'd want to work for them. Why science inspires me and why i have to keep moving in that direction. Why i can't do well in school yet think i'd do well in that world. Why i kid myself that science management is the answer. Smoking & then sitting waiting for the Gandhi lecture to start, phone on silent Jon calls; just to say he was at my house rather than his waiting for me & Dave: the point here is the boy doesn't get me but he does love me. He wants to get me, and maybe one day he will; in any case a blinking phone reminding me those people out there who care are there no matter where i am in cycles of self-hatred and uselessness.
And you know, i'm that person for many of you. You've been that person for me at times. i'm mostly alone in Madison, but Madison ain't all my world, ECites unite you'll always be myne.
i can't do enough for you everyday, but that doesn't mean i don't want to.
dreams of death in a small town ¶ 12:15
Well, sort of.
So Thursday, right? My neighbor (let's call him JR) was walking home from school & decided to visit the co-op where he lived last year. As soon as he entered, one of the other residents there (not even recognizing him) went into a long suicidal rant, and poor JR simply did not know what to do! So he took care of his errand and began walking home to our neighborhood. A homeless black man stopped him on his way, saying, 'maybe the people will give you money, white boy,' and so JR tried to beg for money for the homeless man, but failed and then it began to rain. Other crazy things happened on this walk home, but i don't remember what.
i was dancing to Shiva at the time of these occurances.
So JR returns home, Dave & i are sitting around doing homework/generally complaining about our stressful lives, and goes into a very long rant on the abovementioned events among others, ending with me saying, "Well JR, you have now learned a life lesson or two. You could not talk that acquaintance out of suicide, and you also know not to become homeless because you are not good at begging for money."
This was crazy because it was so much randomness in one day. JR; "People in New York must go through this every day, suicidal friends, homeless people, dancing to Shiva, and a term paper! Oye!"
and then i committed a dire slip of tongue.
"At some point you have to accept that you just can't help some people. i limit myself to one suicide prevention per year."
Now, my friends here are loving, liberal, nice people. But they don't actually know me that well or get me. So the above came off as very caustic.
And maybe it is, but at some point we just don't have that storehouse of positive emotion to hold us up. i have talked people out of suicide; i've talked myself out of suicide. i've also hung up on calls thinking, 'if i have to talk her out of it one more time i'll kill her myself!' And no, it's not funny; it's just how it is.
But don't you notice that we're haphazard about the whole thing? Like suicide is easy? Because it's not. The body has reactions and at the last second will always change your mynd for you. And we all know the rest.
So pick some minorly self-destructive thing to do to yourself (drink, smoke, etc) and do it as far as your health will allow and try really hard to pick up the pieces. Because there's no way out but up.
And we're smart enough to do that together.
And more than good enough.
Earlier this week, Wendesday, i had an intensely localized bout of self-loathing. Turning in the app to JOI was stressful; it's impossible in a cover letter to express why i'd want to work for them. Why science inspires me and why i have to keep moving in that direction. Why i can't do well in school yet think i'd do well in that world. Why i kid myself that science management is the answer. Smoking & then sitting waiting for the Gandhi lecture to start, phone on silent Jon calls; just to say he was at my house rather than his waiting for me & Dave: the point here is the boy doesn't get me but he does love me. He wants to get me, and maybe one day he will; in any case a blinking phone reminding me those people out there who care are there no matter where i am in cycles of self-hatred and uselessness.
And you know, i'm that person for many of you. You've been that person for me at times. i'm mostly alone in Madison, but Madison ain't all my world, ECites unite you'll always be myne.
i can't do enough for you everyday, but that doesn't mean i don't want to.
dreams of death in a small town ¶ 12:15
Comments:
<< Home
indeed, thoughts.
i vaguely remember tales of that event, very interesting.
Were/will those books i found be helpful??
i vaguely remember tales of that event, very interesting.
Were/will those books i found be helpful??
Getting, gotten, what is the point most times? We get you. So you are gotten. The point is I cannot wait until i am in Madison and then you can be gotten on a daily basis.
YES!
YES!
# posted by 
: 8:37 a. m.
: 8:37 a. m.
funny story that you're going to appreciate, Ratchel:
(wait for it)
i don't have a passport.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooh yeah.
nor have i heard back from Germany anyway.
Publicar un comentario
(wait for it)
i don't have a passport.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooh yeah.
nor have i heard back from Germany anyway.
<< Home
