11 abr 2006
tommorrow the sun will set on Nissan fourteenth
Intellectually i knew that i would feel like shit; but then to feel it and to have had no idea just how bad it would be was a system shock.
Because last N-14 [let's use code words now, because no one's going to care or know what i'm talking about except for RGE anyway] i was in the desert with boys i'd never talked to before hiking and talking rocks and the weather was gorgeous and no-one even mynded that i smoked and i felt smart and alive and i borrowed sleeping bags and played frisbee and fell off cliffs and ate so much healthy food and there was a campfire and we all had a future--but that didn't really matter--and when the moon rose, i was in a cave about to sleep and all these wonderful people were there and i didn't have to apologize.
and i barely even had to qualify it (because the calendar was not myne and the car wasn't myne and that made sense).
Because i got away with it once, i thought the next year would be easier and then the rest of my life would be okay.
but it won't be. no matter what i do, i will have failed.
and i don't know how to stop internalizing failure. i don't know how to rationalize the past or furthur rationalize my reality. i don't know how to change anything.
can i be a good person anyway?
and tommorrow the sun will set on Nissan fourteenth ¶ 16:04
Intellectually i knew that i would feel like shit; but then to feel it and to have had no idea just how bad it would be was a system shock.
Because last N-14 [let's use code words now, because no one's going to care or know what i'm talking about except for RGE anyway] i was in the desert with boys i'd never talked to before hiking and talking rocks and the weather was gorgeous and no-one even mynded that i smoked and i felt smart and alive and i borrowed sleeping bags and played frisbee and fell off cliffs and ate so much healthy food and there was a campfire and we all had a future--but that didn't really matter--and when the moon rose, i was in a cave about to sleep and all these wonderful people were there and i didn't have to apologize.
and i barely even had to qualify it (because the calendar was not myne and the car wasn't myne and that made sense).
Because i got away with it once, i thought the next year would be easier and then the rest of my life would be okay.
but it won't be. no matter what i do, i will have failed.
and i don't know how to stop internalizing failure. i don't know how to rationalize the past or furthur rationalize my reality. i don't know how to change anything.
can i be a good person anyway?
and tommorrow the sun will set on Nissan fourteenth ¶ 16:04
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you are not a failure. You have a long way to go before you hit bottom, and I won't let you get there. I will stand in the doorway pushing you back into the room and never let you get past me.
it's hard, but you're too smart to give up.
hang in there.
I'll be there soon.
it's hard, but you're too smart to give up.
hang in there.
I'll be there soon.
# posted by 
: 9:55 a. m.
: 9:55 a. m.
thanks Don & Rach
i've come to the conclusion that before i do anything real, i have to be financially idependent of my father and emotionally independent of my mother (so i gots a good grip on the problem at least).
{God i'm excited for you to come, Rachel! i wish Donna could come toooooooooooooo... oye!}
i'm feeling way better today also. wearing black, but with hiking boots and the rock-earrings (get it? black for day of mourning but bookended by geology? O i just crack myself up!).
i tried to explain the clothing choice to the boys, but inserted the word "frumpy" (this was a bad choice, made me late for history class, led Dave to rant about awesomeness of pant-suits, etc., and made me note yet again the cultural divide between those raised on tv vs. those raised on novels).
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i've come to the conclusion that before i do anything real, i have to be financially idependent of my father and emotionally independent of my mother (so i gots a good grip on the problem at least).
{God i'm excited for you to come, Rachel! i wish Donna could come toooooooooooooo... oye!}
i'm feeling way better today also. wearing black, but with hiking boots and the rock-earrings (get it? black for day of mourning but bookended by geology? O i just crack myself up!).
i tried to explain the clothing choice to the boys, but inserted the word "frumpy" (this was a bad choice, made me late for history class, led Dave to rant about awesomeness of pant-suits, etc., and made me note yet again the cultural divide between those raised on tv vs. those raised on novels).
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